Mistakes

On Friday I had to take Amber to the hospital for a routine outpatient operation.  The consultant surgeon came around to talk to the parents and we chatted for five or ten minutes about Amber's condition, the op, the post-surgical care, etc.  He was just about to move on to the next patient when he paused and asked, "Are you a doctor yourself?"

I was completely floored.  Nobody has ever mistaken me for a doctor.  I had hardly any makeup on, I was wearing a faded, ancient dress and leggings.  I stuttered that no, I was just a student, training to be a dietitian.   He nodded and moved on.

It was some time later that I realised I'd been reading a journal paper about malaria and sickle cell anaemia which I'd put down on Amber's bed when he was speaking to us.  Maybe that was why.

Days later and I'm still quietly chuffed that he thought I was a doctor. Me!  I must've come across as reasonably intelligent.  I must've seemed like the kind of person who could, potentially, be a doctor.  How cool is that?!

Very very slowly I'm starting to realise that even doctors and scientists and lawyers and uber-clever people who I feel a bit thick and overawed standing next to, even they actually had to learn the stuff they know.  Anyone can be clever.  All you have to do is learn stuff.

And even if you think you're stupid, if you keep going, and keep working hard, and don't give up.... sooner or later you'll know more than other people.   I thought I was the slowest, stupidest person in my class at the beginning of September, but I can already see that actually, I'm pretty good.  Other people think I'm bright.  My results are better than most people.  I really genuinely CAN do this.


I know I'm probably pointing out the most obvious thing in the world, but somehow I actually genuinely did not know this.   I knew that to get good at tennis you have to practise for 10,000 hours... but I didn't think it applied to 'being clever'.  I thought you either were or you weren't.  This news has changed my life.  If only I could've discovered it 20 years ago!

Finding joy

Today I went to London for the day. I was meeting friends at the Excel Centre, which is usually accessed via Docklands Light Railway. Today, DLR was closed for engineering works.

I could've travelled on the tube to Canning Town and walked, but then I realised I could go on the Emirates Air Line instead. The Air Line is a fabulous cable car that crosses the Thames. I'd been on it with Amber this summer and loved it.

It was an extravagance as it cost unnecessary Oyster credit, but it's so much fun I decided to treat myself. It was early morning so it was really quiet. I ended up getting a whole car to myself. It was AMAZING! Such an awe-inspiring view, in complete silence, it was breathtaking. I'm so glad I did it.

Who'd've thought it?

Well, this is awkward.

After the histrionics of my previous post, I got an email from UCAS the next day.  It said, ominously, "Something has changed," which is UCAS-code speak for, "You've received a rejection".

I logged into UCAS with a heavy heart, knowing that the only reason they'd got back to me so quickly was because I was clearly not a suitable candidate.

And then I screamed the house down.

Because I GOT IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amber came rushing out of her bedroom, Dogbreath started barking at the excitement, I bearhugged Amber and jumped up and down screaming.   I made Amber come downstairs and check the screen to make sure it was really true.

It was.  They've made me a conditional offer.  I have to get 22 distinctions and 12 merits.  I'm extremely close to having already achieved that and there's still 5 months of course left to go.  I already have all the distinctions I need.  So the pressure is officially off.  I absolutely could not believe my eyes.

Two minutes later Carlos walked in from work.  More excitement followed.  I phoned everyone, I put a post on Facebook, I sent texts to the people who'd wished me good luck in my interview.  We put champagne in the fridge and decided to go out to dinner.  I had fillet steak which cost a small fortune.  I came home and drank more champagne.   After a month of abstinence, I had such a hangover the next day that I had to bunk off Chemistry to recover.

Since then it's gradually begun to sink in.  I discovered that the other girl from my course who was there on the same day as me hasn't had an offer, and I feel a bit bad for her.  I had been worried that she'd get in and I wouldn't and the irony isn't lost on me that our roles have been reversed.

I can't wait to tell the dietitians that I'm volunteering with.   I'm so much less worried about my other interviews.  I'm just SO relieved that I will definitely be able to do my degree somewhere.

And slightly astounded that they picked me for one of 34 places out of FOUR HUNDRED applicants.

So... this is my happy ending after all.  Phew!  The stress and the relief have both been exhausting.  Today, I went to meditation and I went for a run and I made soup and key lime pie and Quorn mince tortillas.   It's been so lovely to be able to give myself a day's respite from college.  I'll get back to it of course - and I'll still try my best... but no longer do I have to excel at everything.  

I'm only slightly embarrassed at what a state I got myself into.  I still think I made mistakes in the interview and I'm amazed that she obviously didn't think so - usually I'm good at detecting rapport.  But I'm not going to worry about that now.  I'm in, and that's what matters.  YIPPEE!