Today was my last 'proper' day of college. It's half term, then revision week, then exam week, then it's all over. Hard to believe, isn't it? The time has flown.
But that's not what I wanted to post about. Due to my insane revision schedule, Amber has gone to her grandparents for a week. Carlos dropped her off there on his way to spending the weekend away with friends. I'm having some college friends over tomorrow for revision day ... which will descend into drinking lots of wine and lighting the firepit... but tonight, I came home to an empty house.
I was reflecting on this as I walked from college to the train station. It's very rare I come home to an empty house in the evening. I'm quite happy in my own company, and it reminds me of the time before I met Carlos when I lived in a tiny flat by myself. I loved that flat, I loved the freedom to come and go as I liked, and leave the place in a complete state knowing that nobody could tell me off for it. It was fun (for a while) living on apple rings, coffee and Marlboro Lights, and being half-nocturnal most of the time. It was, in many ways, a hugely enjoyable period of my life, and being alone in an empty house often reminds me of it.
Yet - everything is different. This house is too big for just me and Dogbreath. We rattle around in it. Without the rest of the family, it feels empty. There's too many rooms and not enough of us. It's weird not shouting 'Hello!' as I burst through the door, and weird not to be greeted in reply. I can't imagine living on my own here. Ever.
So tonight, I was in the kitchen, preparing food for tomorrow, when the mournful tones of Morrissey singing "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want" randomly shuffled onto my iPod. I used to love that song when I was a miserable teenager.
Suddenly it dawned on me that I actually have 'got what I wanted'. I wonder what 15-year-old me would think of my life now. She might think I'd got old and boring, but I hope she'd see that the spark's still there, it's just being harnessed differently. I'm actually happy, far happier than I ever was then. I have found contentment in my family, my studies, my interests, my friends. I can see the point of life, something I really wasn't able to do for a long time. And that makes me happier still.
