Sleep and chemistry (not related)

Sorry I haven't posted for a while, I've been exhausted!  Seriously - last night I had a bath at 8.30pm, got into bed at 9.15pm to read and by 9.45 I couldn't keep my eyes open.  I have a Fitbit which records my sleep quality and here's the graph from last night:

Unbelieveable for a random Wednesday!   It's because I have to get up at 6.15am on the days I go to college, and mentally it's tiring too.  I'm sure I will adjust... but I think my regular midnight bedtimes may have to become a thing of the past.

In Chemistry news, things are a bit better.  I went to see my tutor about study methods yesterday and he said that, generally speaking, the students who ask for help earlier go on to get the best grades.  I'm feeling less stressed out now I don't have work to worry about too and I also have more time.

During my practical yesterday, one of the students said, "There's no such thing as a wrong answer," and the lecturer responded, "Yes there is, this is Chemistry!"  I find that strangely reassuring.  At least there's an answer to everything in Chemistry.  It's either right, or it's not.  I can cope with that.

Change of pace

This weekend was supposed to be the last weekend before my course started (ha!)

Carlos and I had arranged to spend two nights in Oxford, while Amber and Dogbreath stayed with Grandad.   Both Carlos and I love Oxford, for different reasons, and we had a wonderful time.

We stayed at a hotel that was out in the sticks and walked through the Oxfordshire countryside to the nearest village to catch the bus into Oxford.

We had a look round some shops and a Bloody Mary in a cafe before wandering down to the river.  I love going out in boats and every time I visit Oxford or Cambridge I want to have a go on one.  I persuaded Carlos we should have a go at punting.  He turned out to be a natural!

The ducks swam right alongside the punt so I got some really great photos, they weren't shy at all.

The river in Oxford is quite isolated in places and completely serene.  There are some parts where there are tourists sitting on the bank watching - obviously I was doing the driving then and managed to wedge the punt widthways across the river, blocking the way and having to push off the bank to get out of it.  But it was fun!

Oxford is famous for its red kites and I love them - they are huge and graceful and amazing.  I took lots of pictures, mostly through the car windscreen, and this is my best shot.  Not brilliant but you get the idea.  All in all it was a lovely weekend.

Today was my last day at work, which went with more of a whimper than a bang, but I'm ok with that because I really just want to get my teeth into college.  Not having to worry about work will be a great relief.

Newsflash: Chemistry is hard!

I had a hideously difficult Chemistry lab practical today.  It was about anions, which are atoms that have gained electrons and have a negative charge.  I just had to Google that, which is slightly worrying, as you'd think I'd've learned it already as that's what today's practical was about.

The lab involved mixing chemicals, using litmus paper and pipettes and test tubes and stuff like that.  I didn't really understand what I was meant to be doing and I was on my own when most other people worked in pairs.  I haven't been in a lab for twenty years, I didn't know where things were kept or what the procedure was.  I had to fight off that horrible sense of rising panic when everyone else seems to understand and you don't.

I had to keep telling myself that I have no option but to keep trying.  I've given up my job, I've paid my course fees in full (on my credit card, eek) and I have GOT to do this.  But I am very, very frightened.  I wish I had a friendly chemist to be my on-call personal tutor.

Also, I'm finding it really difficult to settle down and do 'college work'.  When I studied with the OU, they held your hand and told you what to do, whereas at college they just say things like, 'you should read up on this'.  I don't know what to read.  And my books haven't arrived yet.  And even things I could do, like starting a glossary of Biology terms, I seem strangely paralysed and unwilling to do.

I am going to have to get over this and fast.  Tomorrow I have a rare day at home and I'm going to write myself a schedule and stick to it.

I've been reading inspirational quotes on my phone in my lunchbreak to try to quell the terror.  Here are my favourites.  The first one is my mantra and I repeat it to myself when I'm trying not to cry.

You can always become better - Tiger Woods

Live your life in the manner you would like your kids to live theirs - Michael Levine

Be careful what you wish for?

On Thursday morning, after my last post, I had a lovely morning faffing around at home.  I baked some delicious carrot & courgette muffins and I menu-planned for the weekend as we had guests arriving.

In the afternoon I had to go down to my prospective college so that I could meet the tutor.  There was no pressure as I'd already been interviewed and accepted and it was a beautiful drive down on a sunny day.  I arrived, had a brief introduction, undertook a short piece of writing and then had a chat with my tutor.

He apologised that unfortunately the college had forgotten to let me know that the course had already started, and could I please come in tomorrow?

All hell broke loose in my brain at this point as I frantically tried to reschedule work, all my social arrangements and all my childcare at a moment's notice.  I said, "Um.... yes?"

There followed the most hectic few days ever.  My first day was insanely challenging but also inspiring and brilliant and exciting, I made phone calls in my lunch break and texted Carlos to see if he could get me a lab coat.  I did the food shopping at 9pm at night and when our visitors arrived I had not even made their bed.  I am doing some extremely creative working at home this week.

Next weekend is our wedding anniversary and we are going to spend a weekend at a hotel in Oxford.  I suspect I will be carting Biology and Chemistry textbooks with me and asking Carlos infinite questions about electron microscopes.  But it is all really happening and I am quite, quite certain that this was the right choice.

It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got

I had lots to write about today but my internet has gone down and apparently won't be back until tomorrow. I'm choosing to view this as a blessing in disguise as I'm always far more efficient when I don't have the internet to distract me, and I've got lots to do today.

However, typing on my tiny phone keyboard certainly restricts my word count so my long post will have to wait.

Normally this would bother me, but as I'm yet to tell anyone that this blog exists, its readership is zero. Therefore it doesn't matter if my posts are late. Yay! Another blessing in disguise!

Here's a pic of the sky this morning - just beautiful. I'm off to sit in the garden and enjoy it.

Early morning walk at the farm

This morning I took Dogbreath for a walk across the farm near where I live.  It was a beautiful morning which I totally failed to capture with my camera phone:

It looked really dark and rubbish on my phone, so I tried to take a video.  I like the way you can hear the birdsong on the video, but it still doesn't really capture the moment.  Maybe you had to be there.  

<due to technical ineptitude the video is on its side, sorry>

Anyway: I love September.  The weather forecast for the next few days is a row of suns, so I look forward to several more mornings like this one.  I like autumn too but not having been away this summer, I really need just a little more sunshine before winter arrives and this is perfect.

Later I looked at my Be Positive app on my phone (I know, I know! but it often makes me smile and it only takes a few seconds).  This is the message for today - very apt I think.  

Beautiful day

Friday was a wonderful day.  I've been so busy it's taken until now to have time to write about it.

I got up and made myself an Olympic breakfast of nectarines, raspberries, plain yoghurt, honey and chopped nuts and seeds.  This is my favourite breakfast at the moment and I have it often, but it was particularly gorgeous on Friday because I'd bought huge, juicy fresh nectarines from Borough Market the previous day.

Then I took Dogbreath for a walk. It was one of those beautiful mornings when the sky is already perfectly blue, the wind is whistling in the trees and the wildflowers are blowing in the gentle breeze.  There was no-one else in my lovely little local park and as I watched Dogbreath skipping across the field, I felt that sense of happiness and contentment that you get when all is right with the world.

When we got back it was time to take Amber to a cycling fun day.  We climbed onto our bikes and rode to the school where it was being held.  On the way, Amber informed me that she only uses one brake now because the other one squeaks (hmm safety alert!) and also that she likes riding over drains (double safety alert)!  She rushed off to join the other children and I stood chatting to the organisers for a few minutes.  As we talked, a woman arrived in a people carrier and started unloading her three children and their bikes.  The organiser said wistfully, "It's always good when kids cycle here... it hopefully means they know what they're doing".  I laughed after Amber's earlier comments - there's always got to be an exception to the rule .... right?

After that I went home and got ready to go out for lunch.  My dog-walking friend and I decided a few weeks ago that we should treat ourselves a special end-of-summer lunch, without dogs, children or husbands.  We went to a gorgeous independent restaurant in town and the food was divine.  In particular my raspberry souffle with croissant ice-cream was to die for.  And then we went for cocktails!

It was a beautiful afternoon in the cocktail garden and I just felt so lucky.  Lucky to live here, lucky to have made good friends, lucky to have so much loveliness right on my doorstep.  Life is good!