Mistakes

On Friday I had to take Amber to the hospital for a routine outpatient operation.  The consultant surgeon came around to talk to the parents and we chatted for five or ten minutes about Amber's condition, the op, the post-surgical care, etc.  He was just about to move on to the next patient when he paused and asked, "Are you a doctor yourself?"

I was completely floored.  Nobody has ever mistaken me for a doctor.  I had hardly any makeup on, I was wearing a faded, ancient dress and leggings.  I stuttered that no, I was just a student, training to be a dietitian.   He nodded and moved on.

It was some time later that I realised I'd been reading a journal paper about malaria and sickle cell anaemia which I'd put down on Amber's bed when he was speaking to us.  Maybe that was why.

Days later and I'm still quietly chuffed that he thought I was a doctor. Me!  I must've come across as reasonably intelligent.  I must've seemed like the kind of person who could, potentially, be a doctor.  How cool is that?!

Very very slowly I'm starting to realise that even doctors and scientists and lawyers and uber-clever people who I feel a bit thick and overawed standing next to, even they actually had to learn the stuff they know.  Anyone can be clever.  All you have to do is learn stuff.

And even if you think you're stupid, if you keep going, and keep working hard, and don't give up.... sooner or later you'll know more than other people.   I thought I was the slowest, stupidest person in my class at the beginning of September, but I can already see that actually, I'm pretty good.  Other people think I'm bright.  My results are better than most people.  I really genuinely CAN do this.


I know I'm probably pointing out the most obvious thing in the world, but somehow I actually genuinely did not know this.   I knew that to get good at tennis you have to practise for 10,000 hours... but I didn't think it applied to 'being clever'.  I thought you either were or you weren't.  This news has changed my life.  If only I could've discovered it 20 years ago!

Finding joy

Today I went to London for the day. I was meeting friends at the Excel Centre, which is usually accessed via Docklands Light Railway. Today, DLR was closed for engineering works.

I could've travelled on the tube to Canning Town and walked, but then I realised I could go on the Emirates Air Line instead. The Air Line is a fabulous cable car that crosses the Thames. I'd been on it with Amber this summer and loved it.

It was an extravagance as it cost unnecessary Oyster credit, but it's so much fun I decided to treat myself. It was early morning so it was really quiet. I ended up getting a whole car to myself. It was AMAZING! Such an awe-inspiring view, in complete silence, it was breathtaking. I'm so glad I did it.

Who'd've thought it?

Well, this is awkward.

After the histrionics of my previous post, I got an email from UCAS the next day.  It said, ominously, "Something has changed," which is UCAS-code speak for, "You've received a rejection".

I logged into UCAS with a heavy heart, knowing that the only reason they'd got back to me so quickly was because I was clearly not a suitable candidate.

And then I screamed the house down.

Because I GOT IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amber came rushing out of her bedroom, Dogbreath started barking at the excitement, I bearhugged Amber and jumped up and down screaming.   I made Amber come downstairs and check the screen to make sure it was really true.

It was.  They've made me a conditional offer.  I have to get 22 distinctions and 12 merits.  I'm extremely close to having already achieved that and there's still 5 months of course left to go.  I already have all the distinctions I need.  So the pressure is officially off.  I absolutely could not believe my eyes.

Two minutes later Carlos walked in from work.  More excitement followed.  I phoned everyone, I put a post on Facebook, I sent texts to the people who'd wished me good luck in my interview.  We put champagne in the fridge and decided to go out to dinner.  I had fillet steak which cost a small fortune.  I came home and drank more champagne.   After a month of abstinence, I had such a hangover the next day that I had to bunk off Chemistry to recover.

Since then it's gradually begun to sink in.  I discovered that the other girl from my course who was there on the same day as me hasn't had an offer, and I feel a bit bad for her.  I had been worried that she'd get in and I wouldn't and the irony isn't lost on me that our roles have been reversed.

I can't wait to tell the dietitians that I'm volunteering with.   I'm so much less worried about my other interviews.  I'm just SO relieved that I will definitely be able to do my degree somewhere.

And slightly astounded that they picked me for one of 34 places out of FOUR HUNDRED applicants.

So... this is my happy ending after all.  Phew!  The stress and the relief have both been exhausting.  Today, I went to meditation and I went for a run and I made soup and key lime pie and Quorn mince tortillas.   It's been so lovely to be able to give myself a day's respite from college.  I'll get back to it of course - and I'll still try my best... but no longer do I have to excel at everything.  

I'm only slightly embarrassed at what a state I got myself into.  I still think I made mistakes in the interview and I'm amazed that she obviously didn't think so - usually I'm good at detecting rapport.  But I'm not going to worry about that now.  I'm in, and that's what matters.  YIPPEE!

Sad and disappointed

Hello friends,

I promised myself that I wasn't going to use this blog for moaning, but I need to write this down because otherwise I might forget.

I had my interview at my preferred university today and I've got a bad, bad feeling about it.

All was well until the interview itself. The other students seemed nice, I enjoyed the tour and the presentation, the maths & English test was OK.  I made a mistake on the maths - then later on when I asked Amber, she got it right - arggh.  But that wasn't really the problem.

The interview itself was conducted by just one individual.  She didn't write anything down.  She didn't ask me any of my prepared questions.  I talked too much, blabbering nervously, saying more than she wanted to hear.  I could see on her face that I needed to stop talking but I couldn't.  At one point, I blurted desperately, "I really really want to do this subject!" and she said curtly, "I can see that".

She asked me what I'd been doing on my Access course and I mentioned a bunch of things but totally failed to mention Biochemistry (which I've done twice), probably the most important topic for dietetics.  Then she threw me a bone by asking if we'd done essential amino acids and I said, "No, not really," and started droning on about it when I could've just said, "Yes, we've covered those".  Ugh.

I talked too fast (a great failing of mine when I'm nervous) and tried to crowbar in all my experience, when I probably should've just slowed down and answered the actual questions.  I just didn't feel any sort of connection with the interviewer.  I think she thought I was a bit overenthusiastic, a bit full-on, maybe not serious and studious enough.

To be honest, I'm completely sure that I'm going to be rejected.

I messed it up.

This university was my first choice.   What happens if I don't get in anywhere else?  I've already been rejected from one of my other choices as well.  I may end up with no offers at this rate.  I can't bear it.  What would I tell everyone?  I'm so shit that nowhere wanted me despite my shiny trail of distinctions? Academically I was fantastic but my personality let me down?

I've been googling 'how to cope with disappointment' and 'what happens if you get rejected from university' since I got home.

This is not the happy ending I wanted.

Gutted doesn't even begin to cover it :(

Lunch

Yesterday I made a lovely recipe for spinach, cottage cheese and oat pancakes for lunch.  I got it from a dietitian's blog I read called Mostly Eating.

It was delicious!  Today Amber and I ate it cold, with hummus in a wrap, in our lunch boxes.

Her recipe for wholewheat pasta, tomatoes and feta is also a winner and a family favourite of ours.  So if you're looking for (veggie) inspiration, enjoy!

Tomorrow is my interview.  I am going to do some reading, phone a friend, have a bath and go to bed. Fingers crossed xxx

New Year's Resolutions

This year I had two New Year's Resolutions.
They were:

1. Pass my course and go to university
2. Give up drinking alcohol in January.

The first is self-explanatory.
The second was a wild and crazy idea I came up with.  It was provoked by the usual pre/post-Christmas slip into drinking every day over the holidays.  I also thought it might help me sleep and/or concentrate better for my exams.

The last time I attempted to have a month off drinking was in March 2011.  That month, Carlos and I gave up all of the following:

• Meat
• Wheat
• Cheese
• Chocolate, crisps, etc.
• Alcohol

It was an interesting experiment, in retrospect.  Looking back over my old blog, I noticed with amusement that by the end of the month, I was describing it as 'the diet of cruel misery' and used the adjectives 'grim', 'boring', 'vile' and 'monstrous'.  Hmm.  Sounds like it wasn't that fun at the time...

We also cheated on the alcohol.  A few times.

I've discovered this time that it's a lot easier when you haven't given up all the other stuff as well.  Carlos only managed 17 days before he caved in, but I'm still going strong.  Only a few more days to go so I'm sure I'll do it, and it feels like quite an achievement.  Even when I was pregnant I drank a glass of wine each week.  This is probably the longest I've gone without drinking alcohol at all for fifteen years, maybe twenty.  Wow.

Anyway.  As the end of January approaches, I've come up with another resolution.  I'm going to attempt to do this for the whole of February.  Lucky it's a short month as it's going to be tough.  Carlos has promised to join me.  My new resolution is:

Give up moaning.

It's a toughie!  This means no bitching about my college tutors, no nagging, no being a misery because things aren't going my way.  I am still allowed to be pissed off, but I have to keep it to myself.   I think this is going to be extraordinarily difficult, but we shall see!

Course update

Sooo.... I haven't posted anything on here since the 15th November about my course.  Oh dear.

I re-read that post recently and thought, wow, so much has happened since then.  At the end I said:

I have another lab report, my UCAS personal statement to rewrite, some notes from yesterday to write up, some photos to print from yesterday's dissection and some reading to do for biology.  And if I have any spare time, I could do with getting some revision together.  It never ends!

That lab report was submitted months ago - I got a distinction.  I finished my UCAS personal statement and submitted it at the beginning of December.  That biology essay I mentioned - I got a distinction on that too.

I submitted another lab report and three microscope drawings for Biology before Christmas, they're still waiting for marking.  I also submitted a second Chemistry assignment.  I discovered within hours of handing it in that I'd made a mistake on my benzene ring mechanism and beat myself up for days.  When I got it back - the benzene ring was the ONLY error on the whole assignment.  Check that out:

After I got this assignment back, I suddenly started thinking, maybe I can do this after all.  

Over Christmas I revised for my exams.  I revised and revised and revised.  It's probably just as well I didn't post here, because I became the world's most boring bastard.  I wrote up a timetable and I stuck to it, revising on Christmas Eve at my father-in-law's, on Christmas Day at my parents, and at home all day on New Year's Eve, without the friends we've seen every NYE for a decade.

By the time I went back to college in January I was utterly sick of it, but I spent that week practicing past papers, revising my notecards and feeling sick with worry.  I was desperate to get distinctions but felt there was just so much to learn that it was impossible.  My memory isn't good and as I managed to remember one thing, I would forget another.  The Friday before my exams I burst into tears in chemistry because I was unable to define 'mass number' - possibly the simplest concept in GCSE Chemistry.  It was awful.

I kept going.  I revised my head off.  The final weekend, I revised for three days solid.  The night before the exam, I could do no more.  I went for a really long run in the mud and the pouring rain to tire myself out so I would sleep.  I packed my lunch, I ate salmon for dinner and I went to bed early.  I had done everything I could possibly do.  I reckon I spent 50 hours revising over Christmas and another 20 in that final week.

On the morning of my exam, as I came up the stairs at college I saw this poster:

And I thought, I am more prepared and I have worked harder than I ever have for any exam ever.  I've done more than anyone.  If I don't get distinctions now, it's because I am too stupid.

And then I sat my exams.  It was exhausting.  I had two Chemistry exams on Tuesday, then two Biology on Wednesday.  On Tuesday night I went home and revised Biology one last time.  On both days I went to the library in the break between exams and revised the second exam topics.

This week I got my results.  Here's Chemistry, my weaker subject:

I couldn't believe it.  I felt exhausted all over again as the relief coursed through my veins.  A distinction is 70%.  If I'd managed this in Chemistry, surely I would've done it in Biology.

On Friday I got my first Biology result.  I haven't seen my exam script yet but I got 87%.  The final exam hasn't been marked yet,  but I feel fairly confident it wasn't too much worse than the first one.

For the first time, I'm finally beginning to think, "I'm actually going to do this".

I have got interviews for two of my universities: one next week, and one in March.  I've had one rejection, and the last one I haven't heard from yet.  Apparently I'll be told by the end of March whether or not they are going to make me an offer.

It is like the job interview from hell.  If I don't get selected, the punishment is losing another year of my life, probably doing a shit job while I wait to re-apply, with no guarantee that anything is going to be any different.   In addition, they select based on your personality and whether they think you'll be a good dietitian, not based on your grades.  So if they don't choose me, what does that say?

These are thoughts running through my head at 3am.  But I just have to silence them and do the best I possibly can.  I've splashed out on a new outfit and a haircut and am busy preparing.  I need to research the questions they might ask and think of answers and memorise them.  I need to read up on what research takes place in the faculty, and on recent health-related items in the news.  I need to think of some questions to ask them.

So, as you can see, I've replaced "worrying I'm going to fail the course" with "worrying I'm going to get rejected from everywhere".  I suspect that even if I do get offers, I'll immediately start on, "worrying I won't get the grades to meet my conditional offers" - aaarrrggghhh!!!!  This course will be the death of me.