Sad and disappointed

Hello friends,

I promised myself that I wasn't going to use this blog for moaning, but I need to write this down because otherwise I might forget.

I had my interview at my preferred university today and I've got a bad, bad feeling about it.

All was well until the interview itself. The other students seemed nice, I enjoyed the tour and the presentation, the maths & English test was OK.  I made a mistake on the maths - then later on when I asked Amber, she got it right - arggh.  But that wasn't really the problem.

The interview itself was conducted by just one individual.  She didn't write anything down.  She didn't ask me any of my prepared questions.  I talked too much, blabbering nervously, saying more than she wanted to hear.  I could see on her face that I needed to stop talking but I couldn't.  At one point, I blurted desperately, "I really really want to do this subject!" and she said curtly, "I can see that".

She asked me what I'd been doing on my Access course and I mentioned a bunch of things but totally failed to mention Biochemistry (which I've done twice), probably the most important topic for dietetics.  Then she threw me a bone by asking if we'd done essential amino acids and I said, "No, not really," and started droning on about it when I could've just said, "Yes, we've covered those".  Ugh.

I talked too fast (a great failing of mine when I'm nervous) and tried to crowbar in all my experience, when I probably should've just slowed down and answered the actual questions.  I just didn't feel any sort of connection with the interviewer.  I think she thought I was a bit overenthusiastic, a bit full-on, maybe not serious and studious enough.

To be honest, I'm completely sure that I'm going to be rejected.

I messed it up.

This university was my first choice.   What happens if I don't get in anywhere else?  I've already been rejected from one of my other choices as well.  I may end up with no offers at this rate.  I can't bear it.  What would I tell everyone?  I'm so shit that nowhere wanted me despite my shiny trail of distinctions? Academically I was fantastic but my personality let me down?

I've been googling 'how to cope with disappointment' and 'what happens if you get rejected from university' since I got home.

This is not the happy ending I wanted.

Gutted doesn't even begin to cover it :(

Lunch

Yesterday I made a lovely recipe for spinach, cottage cheese and oat pancakes for lunch.  I got it from a dietitian's blog I read called Mostly Eating.

It was delicious!  Today Amber and I ate it cold, with hummus in a wrap, in our lunch boxes.

Her recipe for wholewheat pasta, tomatoes and feta is also a winner and a family favourite of ours.  So if you're looking for (veggie) inspiration, enjoy!

Tomorrow is my interview.  I am going to do some reading, phone a friend, have a bath and go to bed. Fingers crossed xxx

New Year's Resolutions

This year I had two New Year's Resolutions.
They were:

1. Pass my course and go to university
2. Give up drinking alcohol in January.

The first is self-explanatory.
The second was a wild and crazy idea I came up with.  It was provoked by the usual pre/post-Christmas slip into drinking every day over the holidays.  I also thought it might help me sleep and/or concentrate better for my exams.

The last time I attempted to have a month off drinking was in March 2011.  That month, Carlos and I gave up all of the following:

• Meat
• Wheat
• Cheese
• Chocolate, crisps, etc.
• Alcohol

It was an interesting experiment, in retrospect.  Looking back over my old blog, I noticed with amusement that by the end of the month, I was describing it as 'the diet of cruel misery' and used the adjectives 'grim', 'boring', 'vile' and 'monstrous'.  Hmm.  Sounds like it wasn't that fun at the time...

We also cheated on the alcohol.  A few times.

I've discovered this time that it's a lot easier when you haven't given up all the other stuff as well.  Carlos only managed 17 days before he caved in, but I'm still going strong.  Only a few more days to go so I'm sure I'll do it, and it feels like quite an achievement.  Even when I was pregnant I drank a glass of wine each week.  This is probably the longest I've gone without drinking alcohol at all for fifteen years, maybe twenty.  Wow.

Anyway.  As the end of January approaches, I've come up with another resolution.  I'm going to attempt to do this for the whole of February.  Lucky it's a short month as it's going to be tough.  Carlos has promised to join me.  My new resolution is:

Give up moaning.

It's a toughie!  This means no bitching about my college tutors, no nagging, no being a misery because things aren't going my way.  I am still allowed to be pissed off, but I have to keep it to myself.   I think this is going to be extraordinarily difficult, but we shall see!

Course update

Sooo.... I haven't posted anything on here since the 15th November about my course.  Oh dear.

I re-read that post recently and thought, wow, so much has happened since then.  At the end I said:

I have another lab report, my UCAS personal statement to rewrite, some notes from yesterday to write up, some photos to print from yesterday's dissection and some reading to do for biology.  And if I have any spare time, I could do with getting some revision together.  It never ends!

That lab report was submitted months ago - I got a distinction.  I finished my UCAS personal statement and submitted it at the beginning of December.  That biology essay I mentioned - I got a distinction on that too.

I submitted another lab report and three microscope drawings for Biology before Christmas, they're still waiting for marking.  I also submitted a second Chemistry assignment.  I discovered within hours of handing it in that I'd made a mistake on my benzene ring mechanism and beat myself up for days.  When I got it back - the benzene ring was the ONLY error on the whole assignment.  Check that out:

After I got this assignment back, I suddenly started thinking, maybe I can do this after all.  

Over Christmas I revised for my exams.  I revised and revised and revised.  It's probably just as well I didn't post here, because I became the world's most boring bastard.  I wrote up a timetable and I stuck to it, revising on Christmas Eve at my father-in-law's, on Christmas Day at my parents, and at home all day on New Year's Eve, without the friends we've seen every NYE for a decade.

By the time I went back to college in January I was utterly sick of it, but I spent that week practicing past papers, revising my notecards and feeling sick with worry.  I was desperate to get distinctions but felt there was just so much to learn that it was impossible.  My memory isn't good and as I managed to remember one thing, I would forget another.  The Friday before my exams I burst into tears in chemistry because I was unable to define 'mass number' - possibly the simplest concept in GCSE Chemistry.  It was awful.

I kept going.  I revised my head off.  The final weekend, I revised for three days solid.  The night before the exam, I could do no more.  I went for a really long run in the mud and the pouring rain to tire myself out so I would sleep.  I packed my lunch, I ate salmon for dinner and I went to bed early.  I had done everything I could possibly do.  I reckon I spent 50 hours revising over Christmas and another 20 in that final week.

On the morning of my exam, as I came up the stairs at college I saw this poster:

And I thought, I am more prepared and I have worked harder than I ever have for any exam ever.  I've done more than anyone.  If I don't get distinctions now, it's because I am too stupid.

And then I sat my exams.  It was exhausting.  I had two Chemistry exams on Tuesday, then two Biology on Wednesday.  On Tuesday night I went home and revised Biology one last time.  On both days I went to the library in the break between exams and revised the second exam topics.

This week I got my results.  Here's Chemistry, my weaker subject:

I couldn't believe it.  I felt exhausted all over again as the relief coursed through my veins.  A distinction is 70%.  If I'd managed this in Chemistry, surely I would've done it in Biology.

On Friday I got my first Biology result.  I haven't seen my exam script yet but I got 87%.  The final exam hasn't been marked yet,  but I feel fairly confident it wasn't too much worse than the first one.

For the first time, I'm finally beginning to think, "I'm actually going to do this".

I have got interviews for two of my universities: one next week, and one in March.  I've had one rejection, and the last one I haven't heard from yet.  Apparently I'll be told by the end of March whether or not they are going to make me an offer.

It is like the job interview from hell.  If I don't get selected, the punishment is losing another year of my life, probably doing a shit job while I wait to re-apply, with no guarantee that anything is going to be any different.   In addition, they select based on your personality and whether they think you'll be a good dietitian, not based on your grades.  So if they don't choose me, what does that say?

These are thoughts running through my head at 3am.  But I just have to silence them and do the best I possibly can.  I've splashed out on a new outfit and a haircut and am busy preparing.  I need to research the questions they might ask and think of answers and memorise them.  I need to read up on what research takes place in the faculty, and on recent health-related items in the news.  I need to think of some questions to ask them.

So, as you can see, I've replaced "worrying I'm going to fail the course" with "worrying I'm going to get rejected from everywhere".  I suspect that even if I do get offers, I'll immediately start on, "worrying I won't get the grades to meet my conditional offers" - aaarrrggghhh!!!!  This course will be the death of me.

Comedy moment

Good morning!

Nobody reads this blog except A2, but I wanted to post this here because I nearly burst a lung laughing about it and if I don't put it here, it will be lost forever in the mists of time.

So, I have an ancient Flickr account.  I long ago stopped putting photos on there but there's a large collection still there and occasionally I get notifications when someone likes one of my photos or adds it to a group.

Yesterday, I got a notification that somebody had added this photo to their Favourites:

It's a picture of two identical pairs of my slippers - I'd bought one to replace the other and was so shocked at what a filthy state I'd let them get into that I'd posted the pic on Flickr.  This was back in 2004 when I really didn't have a lot on, I hasten to add :-)

Anyway - I saw this notification and thought nothing of it, but then I noticed that previously someone different had added the same picture to their Favourites.  And actually, so had someone else before that.... how weird.  Immediately suspicious, I clicked on the first one's profile and, as I suspected:  ALL their favourites were pictures of dirty slippers.  And some of them were being worn, by ladies in various states of undress...  Eeeewww.....

Then I noticed a comment on my slipper picture.  It said, "You should sell these on Ebay for $$$$".

Urgh!  I hastily deleted my photo and all of the comments.

Then I started wondering whether people really would Ebay their filthy slippers.  Surely not?  I mean, it's one thing knowing there are sexual deviants out there, it's completely another to be knowingly SERVICING THEIR NEEDS.  Surely Ebay have rules against that?

I found this.... a fine line between vile and hilarious.

I called Carlos to have a good shriek with laughter.  Obviously eBay do have some guidelines... hahaha!   Then I picked up my skanky slipper and started chasing Carlos around screeching, "SNIFF MY SLIPPER" before eventually giving it a tentative sniff myself.

With tears rolling down my cheeks, choking, I managed to mutter, "They smell of DOG!"
Can you imagine?  Surely that's two fetishes for the price of one?!

Needless to say, my slippers will not be going anywhere except the bin.  But it was worth it for the laughs!