Family walk in the woods

Yesterday I managed to persuade Carlos that it was a good idea to go for a family walk in the woods.  Carlos hates walking.  Also mud.  Also cold.  Also enforced family socialisation.

It's never easy to talk him into anything that involves all of the above but I managed it by promising a warm pub and a few games at the mid-point.  He did waver slightly when he discovered we weren't going by the most direct possible route ("the whole point is that it's supposed to be scenic, DARLING") but we got there in the end ;-)

There was some complaining (mostly about the mud) although I managed to quiet him when I suggested that if he couldn't keep to his half of the deal (being nice) then I couldn't keep to mine (beer & games)....

Anyway, it was just stunningly beautiful:

Autumn is not my most favourite season (I absolutely love winter and spring is probably second) but the woods were at their very best on Sunday.  It was a beautiful day and I was on top of my workload and everything was right with the world.

By the time we got home, darkness had fallen and everyone was in a very cheerful mood indeed.  The only slight sad point was that Dogbreath couldn't join us as her arthritis is still bad.  She's having X-rays at the vet on Wednesday so hopefully rambles in the countryside will be back in her future.

As for me... I'm starting thermodynamics in Chemistry tomorrow.  I am doing something called enthalpy...  I've seen the diagrams and it's not going to be pretty.  But somehow I will prevail!

Ah, poor neglected blog

Hello, sorry for not posting (again)!   I've been busy.

My course is going well.  Yesterday I found out I scored 95% in the assessed practical, the highest mark in the class!!  I couldn't believe it and at first thought it must be a mistake.   So that was pretty amazing.  I've also got a distinction in my Chemistry lab report and in my first Chemistry assignment. Last Friday I did a timed biology essay and I am fairly confident I got a distinction there too.

So far, so good.  I am on track.  In fact I'm about a tenth of the way to success already!

I also have got a volunteer job at a hospital in the Dietetics department.  I know that it's vital to get some vocational experience as it really helps convince universities that you know what you're letting yourself in for.  I had terrible trouble getting a place but with a bit of luck and a lot of persistence, I start next Thursday.  I am the first volunteer the department has ever had!  I hope to be a useful member of the team and can hardly wait to get started.  These opportunities are like gold dust.

Unfortunately all this going on has left me with little time for blogging.  I need to focus and get on with the task in hand.  Today was an inset day so I have been busy with Amber and her friend all day (repaying the favour of her mother having Amber after school every week!)

So now, I must work.  I have another lab report, my UCAS personal statement to rewrite, some notes from yesterday to write up, some photos to print from yesterday's dissection and some reading to do for biology.  And if I have any spare time, I could do with getting some revision together.  It never ends!

Never give up... never surrender!

The last full day I was at college was 24th October.  Half term is only a week, but the way it has fallen I've had twelve clear days.    I've worked on my studies on every day bar one, I think.  I have done hours upon hours of studying including researching and writing an essay, writing up two lab reports, doing a titration and several microscope drawings, practicing my calculations for an assessed practical this week, memorising notecards for a timed essay, rehearsing the timed essay and re-filing and categorising all my notes so far.  And rewriting my UCAS personal statement, and having an interview for my voluntary job at the hospital, and reading ahead for the next topic.  Phew!

I am finally, FINALLY finished, at almost 10pm the night before I go back.  And to think this is meant to be a holiday... I dread to think what Christmas will be like as I have exams looming in January.

And yet, I feel quite positive and upbeat.  I've had some time to relax, I've seen friends and family, I've started reading with Amber again and I've been running every other day.  I feel strong.

I finally faced up to my fears this weekend.

I said the words out loud: What if I fail?  What if I don't get the grades?

I realised I could always re-sit the whole year; it would show perseverance and determination, and next year would be so much easier.  I'd be more confident, I wouldn't have to spend so much time on the basic stuff, I could focus on mastering the bits I've found difficult.  There's no reason why I can't do that, if I have to.  It'd involve swallowing some pride, but surely that's better than going back to a dead end job.  And anyway, the Course Team leader has already told me he thinks I'll get the grades.  I can't do any more than I am already doing.  If it's not enough, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

And what if I don't get past the interview?  What if the admissions tutors don't like me?  Then what?

Then I get another year of volunteering and reading research papers and preparing.  I approach more hospitals for experience, visit more universities, travel further afield.  I learn more about dietetics.  I rewrite my personal statement a few more hundred times and submit it at the first possible opportunity.  And if that doesn't work?  I go abroad and study at a foreign university.  Nothing is impossible.

And relax...

There's something indescribably comforting about being in bed at my mum's house, snuggled under blankets she made herself, listening to the faint sounds of her looking after my offspring and knowing that I have nothing specific expected of me today.

Happiness is...

... a brand new shiny pair of wellies!

My new life

I heard this song yesterday:

It starts, "It's a beautiful day / but I'm stuck inside / staring at this screen / working 9 til 5," and the whole song is about having a job that you hate and sticking it out for the sake of weekends and holidays.

I used to sometimes listen to it, grimly, on my commute into the office.  I don't know why really, I suppose just to try and kick my arse into gear,  to try and make myself change something.

Well now I have, it's half term, I don't have a job I'm supposed to go to and instead spent yesterday afternoon baking cake and doing a Hallowe'en trail with Amber.

The sense of freedom I got hearing this song again was exquisite.  I'm so glad I left that job.  Even if all of this doesn't work out, even if I get rejected by every university, it will still have been worth it because I never think about that office any more.  I can count the number of times it's crossed my mind since I walked out of there on one hand.  I don't need that it my life.  If anyone reading this is thinking of taking the plunge into the unknown.... DO IT!  You'll never look back!

My dearly beloved Dogbreath

On Saturday, I took Dogbreath for a walk.  It was a cold, blustery day with bright sunshine and I had spent the morning working on my Biology essay.  I took the opportunity to put on my warm winter coat and a beautiful blue scarf for the first time this year.  We set off across the muddy fields, with the sun streaming down.  Smiling to myself, I took off across the field, with Dogbreath bounding around behind me.  After a minute or two, I turned round to see what she was up to.

This photo was actually taken years ago, but the view is pretty much exactly what I saw on Saturday!
Heart sinking, I called her over, and in her own sweet time she trotted back to me.  As soon as she got near I could see and smell the fox poo.  Sigh.  My studies were going to have to wait as Dogbreath would clearly need a bath when we got home.

We carried on across the field and over to the poo bin, which is at the furthest point of our walk.  We returned to the field and had got most of the way back across it when Dogbreath decided that today was a Double Dump Day, as they are known in our household.  *SIGH!*

I went over to scoop it up.  A sharp gust of wind caught me by surprise as I was bending over.  My lovely blue scarf went flying through the air .... and landed in Dogbreath's poo.  Wonderful!  My dog smells of s**t and now I do too!!  Yippee!

We walked all the way back across the field, threw the second deposit in the poo bin, then walked all the way home holding my scarf at arm's length.  Dogbreath was subjected to a chilly bath in the garden and eviction from the rug for the rest of the day.

You have to laugh some days!  I'm smiling writing this but I can assure you I was less amused at the time!

One great reason to have a dog

The scene:  I am walking back from the school run with Dogbreath.  There's another dog walking ahead of us and it sees a cat on a driveway.  The cat puffs up its fur and the other dog passes it.  As we approach, the cat sees Dogbreath.  When we are a few metres away, the cat thinks better of it and dashes off to hide.   Dogbreath turns her head to stare after the cat.  I keep walking, and so does Dogbreath, but she's still staring off to one side.

Dogbreath doesn't notice that she is about to walk into a hedge.  She walks straight into it and sort of bounces off, looking disgruntled.  I cannot hide my amusement and howl with laughter.  The person walking the other dog turns round and sees me doubled over, giggling, apparently at nothing in particular.  Dogbreath is trying to look nonchalant.  It was freaking hilarious.

Wisdom from a random Saturday

This morning, I got up early to go for a run.  It was a foggy morning and the park was beautiful.  Autumn is in full swing now; the path is covered in fallen leaves and the trees are gradually becoming barer.  This morning I saw spider's webs covered in dew for the first time this autumn.  As usual I only had my phone so not the best photo, but you get the picture:

When I got home it was breakfast time and I decided to have toast.  For some reason we have a peculiar rule in our house that toast may only be eaten on weekends.  Both Carlos and I suspect the other of instituting the rule, and both of us break it regularly, but still it persists that toast is some kind of treat that should be reserved for the weekend.  We are weird, what can I say?

Anyway, I had a sudden urge to have marmalade on my toast this morning and when I looked in the cupboard, there wasn't an open jar.  So I decided to open this one:

Last Christmas I had to have an operation on the 21st December, and Carlos ordered this huge Fortnum and Mason hamper for me which was delivered the day after my op.  To say I was thrilled would be an understatement.  We have eaten everything from the hamper although I dragged it out as long as I could.  I saved the champagne until my birthday in April, and the jam until late summer.  Today I found this, forgotten in the back of the cupboard: the very last treat from my hamper.  It made my day!

Finally, this morning I went to the cinema with Carlos and Amber.  I can't remember the last time we did that as I'm not too keen on watching films (I fidget too much and get bored)!  Also the cinema is usually hideously expensive.  This time, I'd seen a tip-off on Facebook that the Muppets was being shown for the Saturday morning kids showing.  It cost £3 for all three of us!  It was a great film and we all enjoyed it.  There was one line that I really loved and I want to share it with you:

"That's what growing up is.  It's becoming who you want to be."

Hopefully I'm finally growing up then, by that definition!  I'm certainly getting closer to who I want to be.

Ironic conversation of the day

When I got home from college tonight I went straight into the dining room where Carlos and Amber were playing a game.  I ask them about the secondary school science visit that Amber had this afternoon.

Carlos:  It went well!  The teacher commented to me that Amber was very articulate.
(pause)
Amber: What does articulate mean?
Me: *sigh*
Carlos: *face plant*
Amber: What?
Me: It means you have a good vocabulary and are able to express yourself well....
Amber:  Oh.  Haha!

Distraction

I always try to work on the train into college. It sets me up for the day ahead and helps me feel prepared.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, the train passes through some of England's most beautiful countryside on the way. I often find myself gazing out of the window in awe rather than reading about Chemistry.

This morning it's cold but bright and the views are just stunning. I'm feeling very lucky to have all this on my doorstep today.

Running

This week I've started running again.  Usually I like going to the gym in winter, but as I can't afford it and I still want to keep fit, running outside is the best option.  Earlier this year I used the Couch to 5k podcast to get up to 30 minutes continuous running, but foolishly didn't keep it up.

So... I've decided to start all over again!  I was due to run on Thursday but the weather was horrid so I postponed until yesterday.  I got home from college at 5.30 and felt tired but forced myself to get changed and head out to the park anyway.  It turned out to be a lovely autumnal evening and a fairly easy run after sitting on my bottom all day.

As the runs involve some walking, I was even able to take a photo.  Lovely isn't it!   The best part though was where the road crosses a car park, and roadworks are taking place at the exit.  I've run past this section twice already this week and this wasn't here...  Someone has obviously been busy with the spray can.  It certainly worked for me!

Apologies, once again, for the delay in updating.  

Lucky, yet again, that I only have one reader ;-)

Last Thursday (yes almost a week ago!) I had to drive across the county to a training course at a hospital.  It's part of my volunteering work.  It was a beautiful day and on the way home I was smiling to myself as I drove through the beautiful countryside.  As I came over the brow of a hill, I couldn't resist stopping to take some photos at a beauty spot and here they are.  Stunning, aren't they?  All the things I love about living here encapulated in a couple of pictures taken from a road in a two minute stop.

On Saturday I had a whole day with Amber and Dogbreath as Carlos had gone to London to play games.  We went for a walk and it was one of those gorgeous autumn mornings when the sun is bright but the temperature is sharp enough for it to feel like winter is coming.  It was a beautiful walk and we stopped at the pub on the way home for a pint and a few games of Yahtzee.  Perfect!

I love this photo with just the tip of Dogbreath's tail showing as she rushed off stage left!!

Food bus

 A few weeks ago I mentioned that I wanted to go on a foodie bus tour of the local area.  Well, I decided to treat myself as a sort of 'leaving present' for finishing work.

It was last Sunday and I had a fabulous time!  It involved travelling around the county on a vintage double-decker bus:

As soon as we arrived they handed out Danish pastries and local apple juice, which were delicious:

Then we went to a chocolate factory which makes, amongst other things,  handmade champagne truffles.   All their chocolate is organic and fair trade and has no additives - it was pretty special - I feel like never buying a bar of Dairy Milk ever again.  The only downside is that their chocolate is £3 per 100g.   However it isn't full of crap -  I'd rather eat much less chocolate and have it be REALLY GOOD rather than eating loads and it be mass-produced and horrid.  Easy to say ... not so easy to do.  I'm going to try though!

After that I went to a brewery, then a place that makes rapeseed oil, then a local produce shop, then a winery.  We had lunch at the produce shop and samples at every place we stopped, I got to meet the owners and talk to them about their products.  It was fabulous.

River walk

When I moved to Sussex (over four years ago now - how time flies!) I went to the tourist information centre.  I found a leaflet about a circular walk by the river and thought what a lovely thing it would be to do.  I took the leaflet home and despite having many conversations with various people about it in the intervening years, never got round to it.

Until yesterday!

An ex-colleague of mine is a keen walker and when I told her that I wanted to do this walk, she offered to come with me.  She is excellent at reading maps and not worried about getting lost so I decided this was an opportunity not to be missed.  Amber also decided to come along as she has started at Scouts now and needs to get plenty of hiking practice.

Yesterday was a beautiful Autumnal day, which was utterly lucky as we'd agreed the date weeks ago.

The walk was 11 miles and it took us about six hours, including a lunch break and a pub stop.  It was beautiful and I'm so pleased I've finally crossed it off my list.  I'll probably do it again sometime - parts of it would be excellent for running as they are flat and paved - and I also found a new supply of sloes for my gin-making needs.

Amber was exhausted but did brilliantly.  Here she is in her pyjamas, snuggling up to Dogbreath before bed...

Last Thursday catch up

Busy week!

On Thursday I intended to do a post about gratitude.  I'd been in town buying vegetables and going to the library, and had managed (for once) to spend hardly any money.  A few months ago I seemed to spend a small fortune every time I went into town but I have changed my ways (and my sense of entitlement)!  I no longer feel like I 'deserve' a coffee - and I've got LOADS better at not buying things on the spur of the moment.  As a result, I'd only bought the things I actually needed, with the exception of a lavender cupcake that was reduced in Waitrose.

I came home and the sun was shining, and (for once) I had just enough time to have a cup of tea before walking up to the school to collect Amber.  I sat down with my cake and my tea and my beloved computer, which thankfully I bought almost immediately prior to running out of money, and just thought, "Ahhh! Life is good!"  

I really don't need new clothes, expensive coffees or more stuff cluttering up my home.  In the above photo you can see all the best things about not being at work!

Pretty!

Not the greatest photo but as I came out of college today I saw a massive rainbow. I haven't seen one like this for years... Maybe it's a sign?!

Probably just a sign it's been raining and is now sunny! But it made me smile after a long day of lab practicals.

Atoms are everywhere

Amber and I are walking to school.

Amber: (apropos of nothing) You're worth your weight in gold.

(She presses something into my palm.  I look down.)

(Frowning, perplexed at how she could mistake a 1p coin for gold, I look up at her.  She is already laughing).

Amber:  It's actually copper!
Me:  Actually it's probably something cheaper than copper.  It's an alloy.
Amber: What's an alloy?
Me: It's when two metals are joined together via metallic bonding.  The ions are squashed tightly together in a giant lattice so the electrons can't move about, that's what makes metals solid.  It's also why metals conduct electricity, because they have a 'sea' of de- ... de- something electrons which move towards the positive terminal.
Amber: Wow!  I wasn't expecting that!

On the way home I walked through the park and reflected on how science makes the world even more amazing.  The fact that the path is firm enough to walk on, the trees are producing oxygen for me to breathe, the fibres in my clothes have been invented by humans, the number of hours that scientists have put into understanding how all these things work, the billion zillion trillion infinite number of atoms in everything, everywhere, coming together in such a way as to make life possible.  It's mind-blowing.

Rainy day

Today it's rained all day long.  It hasn't mattered as I needed to spend most of the day studying anyway.  This morning I've been making sense of the formulae of ionic compounds and after lunch I worked on anions and cations revision.  I decided I needed a break.  Carlos wanted a bath and Amber was surgically attached to the television watching a Dungeons & Dragons DVD.

So I took Dogbreath for a walk.  I'd been cooped up all day and needed the fresh air.  It was raining but neither of us were particularly bothered, and we headed off towards the Council-owned farm that's not 10 minutes from my house.

It was overcast and really not that pretty but I got that wonderful uplifting feeling of being in the outdoors when it seems that all is right with the world.

There was no-one else around (unsurprising when you consider the weather) which was great because Dogbreath can be a bit grouchy with other dogs.  It makes walks less stressful if it's just us.

 I got home and rubbed Dogbreath dry with a towel.  The smell of wet dog always reminds me of my (dead) grandparents succession of mongrels that we always seemed to take for walks in the pouring rain when I was a child. I'm now snuggled up in my warm house, with the sound of D&D cartoons drifting faintly up the stairs, with a steaming mug of tea and an afternoon of chemical bonding ahead of me.  Ahh!  Good times!

Sleep and chemistry (not related)

Sorry I haven't posted for a while, I've been exhausted!  Seriously - last night I had a bath at 8.30pm, got into bed at 9.15pm to read and by 9.45 I couldn't keep my eyes open.  I have a Fitbit which records my sleep quality and here's the graph from last night:

Unbelieveable for a random Wednesday!   It's because I have to get up at 6.15am on the days I go to college, and mentally it's tiring too.  I'm sure I will adjust... but I think my regular midnight bedtimes may have to become a thing of the past.

In Chemistry news, things are a bit better.  I went to see my tutor about study methods yesterday and he said that, generally speaking, the students who ask for help earlier go on to get the best grades.  I'm feeling less stressed out now I don't have work to worry about too and I also have more time.

During my practical yesterday, one of the students said, "There's no such thing as a wrong answer," and the lecturer responded, "Yes there is, this is Chemistry!"  I find that strangely reassuring.  At least there's an answer to everything in Chemistry.  It's either right, or it's not.  I can cope with that.

Change of pace

This weekend was supposed to be the last weekend before my course started (ha!)

Carlos and I had arranged to spend two nights in Oxford, while Amber and Dogbreath stayed with Grandad.   Both Carlos and I love Oxford, for different reasons, and we had a wonderful time.

We stayed at a hotel that was out in the sticks and walked through the Oxfordshire countryside to the nearest village to catch the bus into Oxford.

We had a look round some shops and a Bloody Mary in a cafe before wandering down to the river.  I love going out in boats and every time I visit Oxford or Cambridge I want to have a go on one.  I persuaded Carlos we should have a go at punting.  He turned out to be a natural!

The ducks swam right alongside the punt so I got some really great photos, they weren't shy at all.

The river in Oxford is quite isolated in places and completely serene.  There are some parts where there are tourists sitting on the bank watching - obviously I was doing the driving then and managed to wedge the punt widthways across the river, blocking the way and having to push off the bank to get out of it.  But it was fun!

Oxford is famous for its red kites and I love them - they are huge and graceful and amazing.  I took lots of pictures, mostly through the car windscreen, and this is my best shot.  Not brilliant but you get the idea.  All in all it was a lovely weekend.

Today was my last day at work, which went with more of a whimper than a bang, but I'm ok with that because I really just want to get my teeth into college.  Not having to worry about work will be a great relief.

Newsflash: Chemistry is hard!

I had a hideously difficult Chemistry lab practical today.  It was about anions, which are atoms that have gained electrons and have a negative charge.  I just had to Google that, which is slightly worrying, as you'd think I'd've learned it already as that's what today's practical was about.

The lab involved mixing chemicals, using litmus paper and pipettes and test tubes and stuff like that.  I didn't really understand what I was meant to be doing and I was on my own when most other people worked in pairs.  I haven't been in a lab for twenty years, I didn't know where things were kept or what the procedure was.  I had to fight off that horrible sense of rising panic when everyone else seems to understand and you don't.

I had to keep telling myself that I have no option but to keep trying.  I've given up my job, I've paid my course fees in full (on my credit card, eek) and I have GOT to do this.  But I am very, very frightened.  I wish I had a friendly chemist to be my on-call personal tutor.

Also, I'm finding it really difficult to settle down and do 'college work'.  When I studied with the OU, they held your hand and told you what to do, whereas at college they just say things like, 'you should read up on this'.  I don't know what to read.  And my books haven't arrived yet.  And even things I could do, like starting a glossary of Biology terms, I seem strangely paralysed and unwilling to do.

I am going to have to get over this and fast.  Tomorrow I have a rare day at home and I'm going to write myself a schedule and stick to it.

I've been reading inspirational quotes on my phone in my lunchbreak to try to quell the terror.  Here are my favourites.  The first one is my mantra and I repeat it to myself when I'm trying not to cry.

You can always become better - Tiger Woods

Live your life in the manner you would like your kids to live theirs - Michael Levine

Be careful what you wish for?

On Thursday morning, after my last post, I had a lovely morning faffing around at home.  I baked some delicious carrot & courgette muffins and I menu-planned for the weekend as we had guests arriving.

In the afternoon I had to go down to my prospective college so that I could meet the tutor.  There was no pressure as I'd already been interviewed and accepted and it was a beautiful drive down on a sunny day.  I arrived, had a brief introduction, undertook a short piece of writing and then had a chat with my tutor.

He apologised that unfortunately the college had forgotten to let me know that the course had already started, and could I please come in tomorrow?

All hell broke loose in my brain at this point as I frantically tried to reschedule work, all my social arrangements and all my childcare at a moment's notice.  I said, "Um.... yes?"

There followed the most hectic few days ever.  My first day was insanely challenging but also inspiring and brilliant and exciting, I made phone calls in my lunch break and texted Carlos to see if he could get me a lab coat.  I did the food shopping at 9pm at night and when our visitors arrived I had not even made their bed.  I am doing some extremely creative working at home this week.

Next weekend is our wedding anniversary and we are going to spend a weekend at a hotel in Oxford.  I suspect I will be carting Biology and Chemistry textbooks with me and asking Carlos infinite questions about electron microscopes.  But it is all really happening and I am quite, quite certain that this was the right choice.

It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got

I had lots to write about today but my internet has gone down and apparently won't be back until tomorrow. I'm choosing to view this as a blessing in disguise as I'm always far more efficient when I don't have the internet to distract me, and I've got lots to do today.

However, typing on my tiny phone keyboard certainly restricts my word count so my long post will have to wait.

Normally this would bother me, but as I'm yet to tell anyone that this blog exists, its readership is zero. Therefore it doesn't matter if my posts are late. Yay! Another blessing in disguise!

Here's a pic of the sky this morning - just beautiful. I'm off to sit in the garden and enjoy it.

Early morning walk at the farm

This morning I took Dogbreath for a walk across the farm near where I live.  It was a beautiful morning which I totally failed to capture with my camera phone:

It looked really dark and rubbish on my phone, so I tried to take a video.  I like the way you can hear the birdsong on the video, but it still doesn't really capture the moment.  Maybe you had to be there.  

<due to technical ineptitude the video is on its side, sorry>

Anyway: I love September.  The weather forecast for the next few days is a row of suns, so I look forward to several more mornings like this one.  I like autumn too but not having been away this summer, I really need just a little more sunshine before winter arrives and this is perfect.

Later I looked at my Be Positive app on my phone (I know, I know! but it often makes me smile and it only takes a few seconds).  This is the message for today - very apt I think.  

Beautiful day

Friday was a wonderful day.  I've been so busy it's taken until now to have time to write about it.

I got up and made myself an Olympic breakfast of nectarines, raspberries, plain yoghurt, honey and chopped nuts and seeds.  This is my favourite breakfast at the moment and I have it often, but it was particularly gorgeous on Friday because I'd bought huge, juicy fresh nectarines from Borough Market the previous day.

Then I took Dogbreath for a walk. It was one of those beautiful mornings when the sky is already perfectly blue, the wind is whistling in the trees and the wildflowers are blowing in the gentle breeze.  There was no-one else in my lovely little local park and as I watched Dogbreath skipping across the field, I felt that sense of happiness and contentment that you get when all is right with the world.

When we got back it was time to take Amber to a cycling fun day.  We climbed onto our bikes and rode to the school where it was being held.  On the way, Amber informed me that she only uses one brake now because the other one squeaks (hmm safety alert!) and also that she likes riding over drains (double safety alert)!  She rushed off to join the other children and I stood chatting to the organisers for a few minutes.  As we talked, a woman arrived in a people carrier and started unloading her three children and their bikes.  The organiser said wistfully, "It's always good when kids cycle here... it hopefully means they know what they're doing".  I laughed after Amber's earlier comments - there's always got to be an exception to the rule .... right?

After that I went home and got ready to go out for lunch.  My dog-walking friend and I decided a few weeks ago that we should treat ourselves a special end-of-summer lunch, without dogs, children or husbands.  We went to a gorgeous independent restaurant in town and the food was divine.  In particular my raspberry souffle with croissant ice-cream was to die for.  And then we went for cocktails!

It was a beautiful afternoon in the cocktail garden and I just felt so lucky.  Lucky to live here, lucky to have made good friends, lucky to have so much loveliness right on my doorstep.  Life is good!

Stages of loss

Yesterday morning as I drove into work, I felt euphoric.  I couldn't wait to tell my colleagues I was leaving and I was bursting with excitement and hope.

Today, when my line manager came in, I felt nervous.  I don't even know why.  It was that horrible butterflies feeling you get when you're steeling yourself for a conversation about something you don't want to talk about.

Now I'm home, I'm just angry.  Angry that my line manager simply placed an envelope on my desk without so much as a word.  Angry that the powers that be are already carving up my job and working out how to share out my responsibilities amongst the rest of the employees, without consulting me.  Pissed off that I've got three more weeks before it's over.

Sigh.

In other news, I've seen something I want.  It's a foodie double-decker bus trip, travelling around vineyards and local producers, trying different local food and ales for a day.  I know I should resist because I'm giving up work blah blah blah and it's £55, but it's just the sort of thing I love.  Maybe I could buy it for myself as a leaving present.

The first day of the rest of my life...

On Friday, I posted my resignation letter.

Never before have I left a job without knowing what was going to happen next.  It feels like a giant step off a cliff into the unknown.  I've not been happy at work for at least a year, and gradually I realised that I was going to have to take a risk if I wanted that to change.

So I ummed and ahhed and worried about what would happen and whether we'd be able to manage financially and whether giving up my job in the midst of a recession was insanity and whether I'm too old for a career-change and whether college and university would be too difficult anyway and what would we do about childcare and would the whole family suffer and wasn't that a bit selfish and maybe I should just carry on because it would make life easier for everyone.

And I talked to Carlos and he said just do it, and I went to a careers day and thought about it some more.  One day I imagined what it would be like to leave my job and go to study something I found really interesting and I felt that surge of joy you get when something is just right.  And I knew that I had to do it, and however great the financial cost it couldn't be as bad as sticking out a job I was bored with, just so we could afford to go on holiday every year.

I am still terrified but it's really happening now.  On Tuesday I am going to tell my colleagues, and then I'll only have nine more days in the office before the next chapter of my life begins.   Exciting times...