Spring is coming ... slowly

Yesterday was a lovely spring day.  Still cold, but the sun shone, and I finally got round to sorting out my garden.  Last year we spent a lot of money on getting our garden finished.  When we first moved into our house four years ago, the garden looked like this:

Halfway through renovations, it looked like this (URRGGGH I REMEMBER IT WELL):

Once it was all done, it looked like this last July:

And it looked like this last August:

However, with the advent of winter, and my course, and being busy and tired and a little bit lazy, it had started to look like this:

I've been saying for months, I'm going to get round to it, I'm going to do some weeding... but I have been so busy and tired.  And lazy.  Anyway, on Tuesday, Amber and I finally got round to it.  OK, I had to pay her.  But it was worth it.  She and I laughed and weeded and weeded and laughed.  The garden still isn't going to look quite as beautiful as last year because I don't have the time and energy and money to spend time on it.  But it looks a lot better than it did last week!

The best article on the internet

A bold title, I'll agree.

But I came across this post, called A Day In The Future, about 18 months ago and I still think it's the most awe-inspiring piece of writing I've seen on the internet, bar none.

I go back and re-read it periodically and every time, two thoughts hit me all over again.

1. I am so, so incredibly lucky.
2. I need to get rid of more stuff.

When I go to university, I'm going to try practicing my minimalist ideas properly.  I'm only going to take things I need.  If I find I've taken things I don't need, I'll bring them home and leave them here.  I think I'll find it liberating.  I can't wait.

On a side note, tonight is the start of my Easter holidays.  I've got loads of work to do, but still, WOO HOO because I get some lie-ins!  Cannot wait!!!

On a final side note, yesterday I got an offer from another university.  Not the BEST one.  But still... it gives me hope.  Now there are two universities that want me.  It makes me think maybe... just maybe... I must be at least passably OK if two universities are willing to take a chance on me.  There's so few places, it surely must be a good sign.  I'm still not getting my hopes up though.  Whatever will be, will be.

Biodiversity!

So, I'm doing a poster presentation on biodiversity and my topic is the red wolf, Canis rufus.

I wanted to use a graphic I found online:

Unfortunately the resolution is too poor to scale it up to the A2 size of the poster.  I spoke to Carlos, who has a friend, Juan, who's a graphic designer.  They have a running joke that Carlos is useless at any kind of graphic design.  So Carlos sent me this email, cc'ed to Juan:

Hi,

Got your wolf map that you want to include on your college poster presentation. You are right, it wont look any good at A2 size in that resolution. Have no fear though, I've whipped up a near perfect replica that is bigger and will add an certain air of professionalism to your work

Love

Carlos. x

pps:copied Juan in as he has constantly said that my abilities with MS Paint are 'staggering', and he might wish to frame it

I replied:

Thank you darling, that's a really good try.  Unfortunately you left out some of the bits that were quite important.  It needs to show the current and historical range and also have a scale bar.  And it needs to show the states and not the whole of the USA.  

I have created a lovely example myself, I think this will probably do unless you want to try and improve on it?  I haven't got MS Paint on my Mac so I used a free online editor.  As you can see I think I could've been a graphic designer, you will probably remember from my masterpieces in DrawSomething.

Love,

Alicey

Then Juan replied:

¬_¬

xx

This has made me chuckle a lot this weekend!

Long day

On my way home after a long, wet and mentally exhausting day at the chemical equilibrium coalface.

I'm getting there. It's painful, but I'm getting there. Only five more days at college until Easter... then only five more weeks until exam revision begins.

I seriously cannot wait for the summer. Sometimes I daydream about cleaning the house properly and sorting out my recipes and going to the beach with Amber and having lie-ins without feeling guilty.

And then, I go to university and it all kicks off again, x 1000. Sometimes I think maybe it's all a bad idea and I should go back to working in an office. It's amazing how quickly I've forgotten how much I hated it! But that's not going to happen. Somehow I'll get through this. I just need to write it down so I don't forget. Somehow I feel getting my degree will be even better if I can look back at how much I struggled and realise how much I've achieved.

Redemption

Ugh. Sorry about yesterday's post. My attempts to keep this blog upbeat and positive are failing! But as time goes on, I'm realising that the lows are as important as the highs. There is no point only posting when things are good because it presents an artificially sweet window on my world.

One of the (many) things I hate about Facebook is the way people present only their 'edited highlights' rather than the whole truth. So I've changed my mind about this blog. It will be 'warts and all' from now on... Well - truthfully it always was, I suppose, but I'm going to stop apologising for it! Haha.

In any case, I'm feeling brighter. I made an executive decision to go into college today, even though I don't have lectures and the train fare is £12. My lecturers are least busy on a Monday so hopefully they'll be able to spare some time to help me. And at the very least, I'll get more done in the library than I would sat on the sofa.

So. Hopefully by this evening I will have defeated the dreaded equilibria. It has been painful. But as people often say, it's not the subject you're really learning. You're learning how to learn.

Snow and sadness

It has been a strange week.

On Tuesday it snowed and I was ill.
On Wednesday I didn't go to college because I was in London having my interview.
On Thursday, I walked Dogbreath in the fields under a stunning blue sky, whilst leftover snow crunched beneath my feet.

On Friday, I cried at college because I could not understand chemical equilibrium.
On Saturday, I cried because Carlos would not help me with chemical equilibrium.  Then I cried some more because he explained that the reason he couldn't help me was because it reminded him of the period in his life when his mother was dying.
Today, I went to church.  Sometimes it helps me when I am struggling.  Today I sat in the back pew and cried about chemical equilibrium.  Then later, I cried as I stirred risotto, mainly because I'm still struggling with chemical equilibrium.   I can't even put into words what it is that I don't understand.  I just can't manage to conceptualise it, and it has become this huge behemoth representing everything I don't understand, and if I don't manage to conquer it, it symbolises failing at everything I have ever wanted.  And I know over-dramatising doesn't help, yet still I am gnashing my teeth and watching video after video and reading book after book, and still it just isn't sinking in.

I wonder if one day I will ever get any better at this?

Hello darkness, my old friend

Yesterday, I had a very important university interview.

Today, I cannot sleep and have been up since 4 am.  Coincidence?  I think not.


Although I already have an offer from my 'preferred' university, the interview I had yesterday was for 'the best' university.  In my usual strange way, I was sure they wouldn't want me, so I'd convinced myself that I didn't want to go there anyway.

Then they offered me an interview.  I allowed a tiny chink of light in:  "Well... I might as well go and have a look, even though I'll almost certainly be going to my preferred university anyway".

Obviously the place was amazing.  The course was superior, the lecturers were superior, the research was superior.  It would be a fantastic place to study.  But....

a) I might not be offered a place (they have just 20)
b) It's in London
c) I'm scared of living in London
d) I don't know if I can afford to live in London
e) It would make life more complicated for my family
f) I'm worried I might find it hard to keep up with the academic pressure

Then again, you only get one shot....  Turning it down because I'm scared of living in London?  Please.  The course is full of 18 year olds who've moved halfway across the country.  I need to grow a pair.  

Carlos and Amber will support me whatever I decide, and why would I settle for second best?
As for the academic pressure, as I've repeatedly tried to convince myself on this blog, I AM good enough and I CAN do it.

I know I should just try to put it to the back of my mind and wait and see if they offer me a place.  If they don't, I think I'll be almost relieved, because then I can go to 'preferred' university with impunity.  But the interview went disturbingly quite well.  So I am turning it over and over in my mind, hoping that it will fall into place and everything will become clear.  Hmm.