One chapter closes and another begins...

My last exam was this morning.  College is over, I'm finished, and I already know that I've done it, I'm in, I will be going to university in September.

What a rollercoaster year it has been!

Back in November, when I posted this, I genuinely thought I might have to do the whole course again. I could not forsee an outcome where I mastered the subjects, passed the exams, and got into university. It seemed completely unthinkable.

Back in March, when I posted this, I felt utterly desolate about equilibria.  I thought I would never understand it, I certainly thought I would never pass an exam on it and it represented everything that I have ever been unable to achieve.  It was beyond me and I knew I was just rubbish at chemistry and I would never, ever be able to get my head around it.

On Tuesday, I did have to take an exam on equilibria.  I got my result back today.

I got 93%!!!!!

I also got 97% on the biology exam that I took on Wednesday, and a Distinction for my case study.  I think I only have two exams and a chemistry assignment outstanding.

My goal at this point is to get 100% distinctions for the entire course.  I don't need them; I just wanted to prove to myself once and for all that I am not rubbish, I can do this.

And now?  I have three months off.  I walked to the train station in blazing sunshine and caught the last ever train home from college.  I sat in my garden with a beer and reflected on all that I've achieved. 

The key is to take it one step at a time.  It does not matter how hard (or impossible) it seems.  Read around the simplest part of the subject, go over it and over it until you understand it, then move on to the next bit.  It doesn't matter if you have to go back to GCSE level.  Amber helped me at one point with rearranging equations - she is 11 and she understood it better than I did!

Write things out on cards, make yourself posters and stick them on the walls, answer practice questions.  In times of desperation, seek out people who can help you and force yourself on them.  Do not let them palm you off.  If they are your friends or family, they are honour bound to help you.  If they are your teachers, they are paid to.  And if all that fails, eat beans on toast for a week and pay for a tutor.  It's worth it because you have waited all your life for this opportunity.  Do not even think about wasting it.

Going back to the very beginning, I had no idea how this was going to work out.  I'm so glad now that I was brave enough.  Nobody had ever told me that if you're terrified of doing something, you should just DO IT and hope for the best and somehow, it'll all work out in the end.  I promise xxx

Musings

Today was my last 'proper' day of college.  It's half term, then revision week, then exam week, then it's all over.  Hard to believe, isn't it?  The time has flown.

But that's not what I wanted to post about.  Due to my insane revision schedule, Amber has gone to her grandparents for a week.  Carlos dropped her off there on his way to spending the weekend away with friends.  I'm having some college friends over tomorrow for revision day ... which will descend into drinking lots of wine and lighting the firepit... but tonight, I came home to an empty house.

I was reflecting on this as I walked from college to the train station.  It's very rare I come home to an empty house in the evening.  I'm quite happy in my own company, and it reminds me of the time before I met Carlos when I lived in a tiny flat by myself.  I loved that flat, I loved the freedom to come and go as I liked, and leave the place in a complete state knowing that nobody could tell me off for it.  It was fun (for a while) living on apple rings, coffee and Marlboro Lights, and being half-nocturnal most of the time.  It was, in many ways, a hugely enjoyable period of my life, and being alone in an empty house often reminds me of it.

Yet - everything is different.  This house is too big for just me and Dogbreath.  We rattle around in it.  Without the rest of the family, it feels empty.  There's too many rooms and not enough of us.  It's weird not shouting 'Hello!' as I burst through the door, and weird not to be greeted in reply.  I can't imagine living on my own here.  Ever.

So tonight, I was in the kitchen, preparing food for tomorrow, when the mournful tones of Morrissey singing "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want" randomly shuffled onto my iPod.  I used to love that song when I was a miserable teenager.

Suddenly it dawned on me that I actually have 'got what I wanted'.  I wonder what 15-year-old me would think of my life now.  She might think I'd got old and boring, but I hope she'd see that the spark's still there, it's just being harnessed differently.  I'm actually happy, far happier than I ever was then.  I have found contentment in my family, my studies, my interests, my friends.  I can see the point of life, something I really wasn't able to do for a long time.  And that makes me happier still.

***drumroll please***

So, as I mentioned in my last post, I've finally made up my mind.  Dun dun duuuh:

I'm going to "the best"!!!!

This is probably not a surprise to anyone (except me)!  Here's what ultimately helped me make my decision:

• Before I got an offer from "the best", I was definitely leaning towards wanting to go there.  I even wrote a post about it.
• Since I got an offer from "the best", I have continuously felt a pull towards going there.  I doubted my choice, I considered all the options, but in the whole ten days there was never a moment when I really veered towards "the preferred" university.
• I talked extensively to Carlos about the workload and the stress it would put on me trying to keep up with A-grade chemistry students.  Carlos's opinion was, "if the university didn't think you could do it, they wouldn't have made you an offer".  There is no denying that statement and as the days went by, I found myself beginning to believe it.  They have so few places, why would they waste one by offering it to someone who wouldn't be able to manage the course?  I know it will be hard work.  But it is not insurmountable.
• This quote.  I found it when googling for inspiration and it really resonated with me:  “When you cannot make up your mind which of two evenly balanced courses of action you should take – choose the bolder” – William Joseph Slim.  
• Last night I arranged to meet up with a friend whom I knew was my most ardent supporter of "the best".  Firstly, why would I have done that unless I wanted a little push?  And secondly, she resolved the work/life balance question.  She said: work/life balance is a feminist issue.  If I was a man, and I wanted to leave my wife and kids during the week to do something which would increase my employment prospects, NOBODY would say, but what about your work/life balance?  Nobody would say, but what if your child needs you or there's an emergency?  They'd assume that your partner would sort it out.  Carlos lives and works not 10 minutes from Amber's school.  His job is not mega-high stress or pressure.  He is able to work from home, take flexi time, leave a meeting in an emergency.  He has been incredibly supportive and is more than happy to take on the responsibility.  We have lots of friends who have offered to help.   Just because I am female and a mum, does not mean I am not entitled to pursue my dreams.  
• And when I thought back to the people who thought I should go to "preferred" university because of work/life balance, lo and behold, all of them were men.  My mum, my best friend, my husband, my daughter, my friends at college all thought I should go to "the best".  My friend last night said, 'When men talk about work/life balance, they are talking about THEIRS, not YOURS'.  I'm not sure if that's always true, but I think her point is what galvanised me to finally click the button today. 

One last thing before I promise I'll stop going on about this!

A different friend said to me last weekend, 'There is a moment when you don't know, and then immediately after that, there is a moment when you do.  It is a universal truth of every decision ever made'.  And what is really weird about this decision is I absolutely know the precise moment it happened.  Last night I woke up in the middle of the night.  I lay in bed, thinking about "the best", and suddenly I just knew.  I looked at the clock.  

So there you have it: at 4.46am I did not know, and at 4.47am I did.

How to choose between two universities when you like them both equally

As you know, I've been pondering this question for the last ten days, since my final offer came through.  I've finally made a decision, but I'm going to keep you in suspense a while longer.

My quest to make this decision has involved a huge amount of googling, visiting both universities again, asking everyone I know etc. and I thought it might be helpful to do a post about HOW I decided in case anyone else trying to make the same decision ever comes across this blog.

There are two strands to making a difficult decision like this: logical and emotional.

LOGICAL

• Visit both your university choices again, if you can.  I had already been to an open day and an interview at one and an interview at the other, but the experience of visiting a place when you want to go there is utterly different to visiting a place when you know you can go there.  I was really surprised at how my feelings had changed from the day of interview.  However, unless you're lucky, this will not make the decision easy.  I had expected to feel, "Oh this is the one!" and that didn't happen.  However the extra information did help me eventually make a decision.
• When you visit, try to collar existing students and talk to them about the university and their experience, and ask any questions you may have.  I lurked outside halls of residence at one of my choices, as I hadn't had a chance to see them, and asked people coming in and out what they thought of them.  At one uni, I went to the student union and sat in the bar, listening in to the students' conversations. This is more helpful than you might think.
• Write a pros and cons list.  I did mine in Excel.  Afterwards I realised that a straight pros and cons list is unhelpful as you're not comparing like with like.  I redid it, writing a list of what factors were important and weighted the different options.  For example, "course sounds really interesting" is more important to me than "has nice sports facilities".  I then gave everything a score out of ten for each university and multiplied it by the weightings.  Pay particular attention to how you feel when you see the final results.  If you feel disappointed that one of them has 'won', that should tell you something.

Here's the list I used, yours may be different:

Prestige of university

Interest level of course

Quality/friendliness of teaching staff

Setting a good example to Amber

Available facilities

Convenience of attending lectures

Opportunity for further study/working abroad in future

Teaching of soft skills to become well-rounded dietitian

Sports facilities

Smaller lectures/less students in the year group

Experience of being a student

Societies

Halls of residence nice/convenient

Excellent research

Convenience of travel to placements

Cost

Level of academic pressure/workload

Travel time

Work/life balance

Support for mature students

Ease of getting a job afterwards

EMOTIONAL

• Phone/email/talk to everyone you know and ask them what they would do if they were you.  Your mileage may vary with this one.  Expect some people to feel strongly you should go to one and others to feel strongly you should go to the other.  Remember it is YOUR decision and YOU have to live with it so other people's opinions only go so far.  Having said that, friends and family came up with factors I hadn't previously thought of and some of the comments people made really did influence my decision, so I think overall it's worthwhile.
• Read articles about decision-making.  I found this Tiny Buddha one particularly helpful as it has lots of different ideas.  Not all of them were helpful, just pick and choose what works for you.
• Go to the university websites and read the bits of them you've never bothered to look at before.  I'd read everything there was to read about the course, the department and the lecturers, but had never looked at the accommodation guide, the student union pages, the societies I could join, the mature students pages.  Do that - sometimes the small things add up.
• Spend a few days actively trying not to think about it.  Your mind needs time to process all the information.  At the end of last week I had exhausted all the logical things and most of the emotional ones but I still hadn't made up my mind.  A few days of not letting the decision rule my every waking moment provided clarity.
• Pay attention to your emotional reaction.  If you find yourself getting defensive about one of your choices when people suggest you should go to the other, or daydreaming about things you might do if you were at that university, or feeling any kind of pull towards one or the other -- those feelings count.  So much of difficult decisions comes down to gut feeling.  Ignore it at your peril.

Finally, remember that no decision is wrong.  You're fortunate to be in a position to be able to choose between two places you like; many many people have no offers or only one offer.  Whichever one you choose, you'll almost certainly have a great time.  Good luck deciding!

No time like the present!

Yesterday I visited 'preferred' university. Today, I'm on the train to 'best' university. It's a stunning day and I feel calm and ready. I'm hopeful that this trip will tell me what I need to know.

One of my friends is an NLP practitioner and I phoned him for advice at the weekend. He refused to offer an opinion ("I'm not you") but said that observing my feelings and giving myself space without obsessing about it are the keys to making wise decisions. He felt that logic-based methods like weighted excel spreadsheets only go so far. It has to FEEL right.

So basically what Angie said: go with your gut.

This is actually quite ...exciting!

I did it!

I DID IT!!!!!

I found out on Thursday evening that I have indeed got in to "the best" university.  I wanted to put a photo from one of my recent walks but none of my photos are good enough to show how amazing this news is.  So here's one from my holiday in New Zealand last year:

Yep, it's that amazing.  Have I said there are only 20 places?  And 450 applicants?  I thought the interview went well, but I did make mistakes.  I said that you find vitamin D in spinach.  You don't.  But it doesn't matter any more!  

Since I found out I've been going through a cycle of elation, shock, confusion, fear, joy.  Hopefully I'll eventually get to acceptance.  I'm completely unable to make my mind up where I should go.  I think I've put off thinking about this for so long that I now can't decide.

Today I wrote a list of pros and cons.  It's extensive and it really isn't helping because some factors are more important than others.  Also my situation is very unusual so other people's experience doesn't always apply.  Some people are sure I should go to "preferred" university; some people are convinced I should go to "the best".  I just don't know... I think I'm going to go and visit them both again before I make my mind up.

I'll keep you posted.  

'The best' university are not the best at punctuality...

Further to my previous post, I still haven't heard whether I got in to 'the best' university or not.

I'm diligently checking plenty of times a day though *rolls eyes*

I saw this today and it could not be more true.

Spring is coming ... slowly

Yesterday was a lovely spring day.  Still cold, but the sun shone, and I finally got round to sorting out my garden.  Last year we spent a lot of money on getting our garden finished.  When we first moved into our house four years ago, the garden looked like this:

Halfway through renovations, it looked like this (URRGGGH I REMEMBER IT WELL):

Once it was all done, it looked like this last July:

And it looked like this last August:

However, with the advent of winter, and my course, and being busy and tired and a little bit lazy, it had started to look like this:

I've been saying for months, I'm going to get round to it, I'm going to do some weeding... but I have been so busy and tired.  And lazy.  Anyway, on Tuesday, Amber and I finally got round to it.  OK, I had to pay her.  But it was worth it.  She and I laughed and weeded and weeded and laughed.  The garden still isn't going to look quite as beautiful as last year because I don't have the time and energy and money to spend time on it.  But it looks a lot better than it did last week!

The best article on the internet

A bold title, I'll agree.

But I came across this post, called A Day In The Future, about 18 months ago and I still think it's the most awe-inspiring piece of writing I've seen on the internet, bar none.

I go back and re-read it periodically and every time, two thoughts hit me all over again.

1. I am so, so incredibly lucky.
2. I need to get rid of more stuff.

When I go to university, I'm going to try practicing my minimalist ideas properly.  I'm only going to take things I need.  If I find I've taken things I don't need, I'll bring them home and leave them here.  I think I'll find it liberating.  I can't wait.

On a side note, tonight is the start of my Easter holidays.  I've got loads of work to do, but still, WOO HOO because I get some lie-ins!  Cannot wait!!!

On a final side note, yesterday I got an offer from another university.  Not the BEST one.  But still... it gives me hope.  Now there are two universities that want me.  It makes me think maybe... just maybe... I must be at least passably OK if two universities are willing to take a chance on me.  There's so few places, it surely must be a good sign.  I'm still not getting my hopes up though.  Whatever will be, will be.

Biodiversity!

So, I'm doing a poster presentation on biodiversity and my topic is the red wolf, Canis rufus.

I wanted to use a graphic I found online:

Unfortunately the resolution is too poor to scale it up to the A2 size of the poster.  I spoke to Carlos, who has a friend, Juan, who's a graphic designer.  They have a running joke that Carlos is useless at any kind of graphic design.  So Carlos sent me this email, cc'ed to Juan:

Hi,

Got your wolf map that you want to include on your college poster presentation. You are right, it wont look any good at A2 size in that resolution. Have no fear though, I've whipped up a near perfect replica that is bigger and will add an certain air of professionalism to your work

Love

Carlos. x

pps:copied Juan in as he has constantly said that my abilities with MS Paint are 'staggering', and he might wish to frame it

I replied:

Thank you darling, that's a really good try.  Unfortunately you left out some of the bits that were quite important.  It needs to show the current and historical range and also have a scale bar.  And it needs to show the states and not the whole of the USA.  

I have created a lovely example myself, I think this will probably do unless you want to try and improve on it?  I haven't got MS Paint on my Mac so I used a free online editor.  As you can see I think I could've been a graphic designer, you will probably remember from my masterpieces in DrawSomething.

Love,

Alicey

Then Juan replied:

¬_¬

xx

This has made me chuckle a lot this weekend!

Long day

On my way home after a long, wet and mentally exhausting day at the chemical equilibrium coalface.

I'm getting there. It's painful, but I'm getting there. Only five more days at college until Easter... then only five more weeks until exam revision begins.

I seriously cannot wait for the summer. Sometimes I daydream about cleaning the house properly and sorting out my recipes and going to the beach with Amber and having lie-ins without feeling guilty.

And then, I go to university and it all kicks off again, x 1000. Sometimes I think maybe it's all a bad idea and I should go back to working in an office. It's amazing how quickly I've forgotten how much I hated it! But that's not going to happen. Somehow I'll get through this. I just need to write it down so I don't forget. Somehow I feel getting my degree will be even better if I can look back at how much I struggled and realise how much I've achieved.

Redemption

Ugh. Sorry about yesterday's post. My attempts to keep this blog upbeat and positive are failing! But as time goes on, I'm realising that the lows are as important as the highs. There is no point only posting when things are good because it presents an artificially sweet window on my world.

One of the (many) things I hate about Facebook is the way people present only their 'edited highlights' rather than the whole truth. So I've changed my mind about this blog. It will be 'warts and all' from now on... Well - truthfully it always was, I suppose, but I'm going to stop apologising for it! Haha.

In any case, I'm feeling brighter. I made an executive decision to go into college today, even though I don't have lectures and the train fare is £12. My lecturers are least busy on a Monday so hopefully they'll be able to spare some time to help me. And at the very least, I'll get more done in the library than I would sat on the sofa.

So. Hopefully by this evening I will have defeated the dreaded equilibria. It has been painful. But as people often say, it's not the subject you're really learning. You're learning how to learn.

Snow and sadness

It has been a strange week.

On Tuesday it snowed and I was ill.
On Wednesday I didn't go to college because I was in London having my interview.
On Thursday, I walked Dogbreath in the fields under a stunning blue sky, whilst leftover snow crunched beneath my feet.

On Friday, I cried at college because I could not understand chemical equilibrium.
On Saturday, I cried because Carlos would not help me with chemical equilibrium.  Then I cried some more because he explained that the reason he couldn't help me was because it reminded him of the period in his life when his mother was dying.
Today, I went to church.  Sometimes it helps me when I am struggling.  Today I sat in the back pew and cried about chemical equilibrium.  Then later, I cried as I stirred risotto, mainly because I'm still struggling with chemical equilibrium.   I can't even put into words what it is that I don't understand.  I just can't manage to conceptualise it, and it has become this huge behemoth representing everything I don't understand, and if I don't manage to conquer it, it symbolises failing at everything I have ever wanted.  And I know over-dramatising doesn't help, yet still I am gnashing my teeth and watching video after video and reading book after book, and still it just isn't sinking in.

I wonder if one day I will ever get any better at this?

Hello darkness, my old friend

Yesterday, I had a very important university interview.

Today, I cannot sleep and have been up since 4 am.  Coincidence?  I think not.


Although I already have an offer from my 'preferred' university, the interview I had yesterday was for 'the best' university.  In my usual strange way, I was sure they wouldn't want me, so I'd convinced myself that I didn't want to go there anyway.

Then they offered me an interview.  I allowed a tiny chink of light in:  "Well... I might as well go and have a look, even though I'll almost certainly be going to my preferred university anyway".

Obviously the place was amazing.  The course was superior, the lecturers were superior, the research was superior.  It would be a fantastic place to study.  But....

a) I might not be offered a place (they have just 20)
b) It's in London
c) I'm scared of living in London
d) I don't know if I can afford to live in London
e) It would make life more complicated for my family
f) I'm worried I might find it hard to keep up with the academic pressure

Then again, you only get one shot....  Turning it down because I'm scared of living in London?  Please.  The course is full of 18 year olds who've moved halfway across the country.  I need to grow a pair.  

Carlos and Amber will support me whatever I decide, and why would I settle for second best?
As for the academic pressure, as I've repeatedly tried to convince myself on this blog, I AM good enough and I CAN do it.

I know I should just try to put it to the back of my mind and wait and see if they offer me a place.  If they don't, I think I'll be almost relieved, because then I can go to 'preferred' university with impunity.  But the interview went disturbingly quite well.  So I am turning it over and over in my mind, hoping that it will fall into place and everything will become clear.  Hmm.

Mistakes

On Friday I had to take Amber to the hospital for a routine outpatient operation.  The consultant surgeon came around to talk to the parents and we chatted for five or ten minutes about Amber's condition, the op, the post-surgical care, etc.  He was just about to move on to the next patient when he paused and asked, "Are you a doctor yourself?"

I was completely floored.  Nobody has ever mistaken me for a doctor.  I had hardly any makeup on, I was wearing a faded, ancient dress and leggings.  I stuttered that no, I was just a student, training to be a dietitian.   He nodded and moved on.

It was some time later that I realised I'd been reading a journal paper about malaria and sickle cell anaemia which I'd put down on Amber's bed when he was speaking to us.  Maybe that was why.

Days later and I'm still quietly chuffed that he thought I was a doctor. Me!  I must've come across as reasonably intelligent.  I must've seemed like the kind of person who could, potentially, be a doctor.  How cool is that?!

Very very slowly I'm starting to realise that even doctors and scientists and lawyers and uber-clever people who I feel a bit thick and overawed standing next to, even they actually had to learn the stuff they know.  Anyone can be clever.  All you have to do is learn stuff.

And even if you think you're stupid, if you keep going, and keep working hard, and don't give up.... sooner or later you'll know more than other people.   I thought I was the slowest, stupidest person in my class at the beginning of September, but I can already see that actually, I'm pretty good.  Other people think I'm bright.  My results are better than most people.  I really genuinely CAN do this.


I know I'm probably pointing out the most obvious thing in the world, but somehow I actually genuinely did not know this.   I knew that to get good at tennis you have to practise for 10,000 hours... but I didn't think it applied to 'being clever'.  I thought you either were or you weren't.  This news has changed my life.  If only I could've discovered it 20 years ago!

Finding joy

Today I went to London for the day. I was meeting friends at the Excel Centre, which is usually accessed via Docklands Light Railway. Today, DLR was closed for engineering works.

I could've travelled on the tube to Canning Town and walked, but then I realised I could go on the Emirates Air Line instead. The Air Line is a fabulous cable car that crosses the Thames. I'd been on it with Amber this summer and loved it.

It was an extravagance as it cost unnecessary Oyster credit, but it's so much fun I decided to treat myself. It was early morning so it was really quiet. I ended up getting a whole car to myself. It was AMAZING! Such an awe-inspiring view, in complete silence, it was breathtaking. I'm so glad I did it.

Who'd've thought it?

Well, this is awkward.

After the histrionics of my previous post, I got an email from UCAS the next day.  It said, ominously, "Something has changed," which is UCAS-code speak for, "You've received a rejection".

I logged into UCAS with a heavy heart, knowing that the only reason they'd got back to me so quickly was because I was clearly not a suitable candidate.

And then I screamed the house down.

Because I GOT IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amber came rushing out of her bedroom, Dogbreath started barking at the excitement, I bearhugged Amber and jumped up and down screaming.   I made Amber come downstairs and check the screen to make sure it was really true.

It was.  They've made me a conditional offer.  I have to get 22 distinctions and 12 merits.  I'm extremely close to having already achieved that and there's still 5 months of course left to go.  I already have all the distinctions I need.  So the pressure is officially off.  I absolutely could not believe my eyes.

Two minutes later Carlos walked in from work.  More excitement followed.  I phoned everyone, I put a post on Facebook, I sent texts to the people who'd wished me good luck in my interview.  We put champagne in the fridge and decided to go out to dinner.  I had fillet steak which cost a small fortune.  I came home and drank more champagne.   After a month of abstinence, I had such a hangover the next day that I had to bunk off Chemistry to recover.

Since then it's gradually begun to sink in.  I discovered that the other girl from my course who was there on the same day as me hasn't had an offer, and I feel a bit bad for her.  I had been worried that she'd get in and I wouldn't and the irony isn't lost on me that our roles have been reversed.

I can't wait to tell the dietitians that I'm volunteering with.   I'm so much less worried about my other interviews.  I'm just SO relieved that I will definitely be able to do my degree somewhere.

And slightly astounded that they picked me for one of 34 places out of FOUR HUNDRED applicants.

So... this is my happy ending after all.  Phew!  The stress and the relief have both been exhausting.  Today, I went to meditation and I went for a run and I made soup and key lime pie and Quorn mince tortillas.   It's been so lovely to be able to give myself a day's respite from college.  I'll get back to it of course - and I'll still try my best... but no longer do I have to excel at everything.  

I'm only slightly embarrassed at what a state I got myself into.  I still think I made mistakes in the interview and I'm amazed that she obviously didn't think so - usually I'm good at detecting rapport.  But I'm not going to worry about that now.  I'm in, and that's what matters.  YIPPEE!

Sad and disappointed

Hello friends,

I promised myself that I wasn't going to use this blog for moaning, but I need to write this down because otherwise I might forget.

I had my interview at my preferred university today and I've got a bad, bad feeling about it.

All was well until the interview itself. The other students seemed nice, I enjoyed the tour and the presentation, the maths & English test was OK.  I made a mistake on the maths - then later on when I asked Amber, she got it right - arggh.  But that wasn't really the problem.

The interview itself was conducted by just one individual.  She didn't write anything down.  She didn't ask me any of my prepared questions.  I talked too much, blabbering nervously, saying more than she wanted to hear.  I could see on her face that I needed to stop talking but I couldn't.  At one point, I blurted desperately, "I really really want to do this subject!" and she said curtly, "I can see that".

She asked me what I'd been doing on my Access course and I mentioned a bunch of things but totally failed to mention Biochemistry (which I've done twice), probably the most important topic for dietetics.  Then she threw me a bone by asking if we'd done essential amino acids and I said, "No, not really," and started droning on about it when I could've just said, "Yes, we've covered those".  Ugh.

I talked too fast (a great failing of mine when I'm nervous) and tried to crowbar in all my experience, when I probably should've just slowed down and answered the actual questions.  I just didn't feel any sort of connection with the interviewer.  I think she thought I was a bit overenthusiastic, a bit full-on, maybe not serious and studious enough.

To be honest, I'm completely sure that I'm going to be rejected.

I messed it up.

This university was my first choice.   What happens if I don't get in anywhere else?  I've already been rejected from one of my other choices as well.  I may end up with no offers at this rate.  I can't bear it.  What would I tell everyone?  I'm so shit that nowhere wanted me despite my shiny trail of distinctions? Academically I was fantastic but my personality let me down?

I've been googling 'how to cope with disappointment' and 'what happens if you get rejected from university' since I got home.

This is not the happy ending I wanted.

Gutted doesn't even begin to cover it :(

Lunch

Yesterday I made a lovely recipe for spinach, cottage cheese and oat pancakes for lunch.  I got it from a dietitian's blog I read called Mostly Eating.

It was delicious!  Today Amber and I ate it cold, with hummus in a wrap, in our lunch boxes.

Her recipe for wholewheat pasta, tomatoes and feta is also a winner and a family favourite of ours.  So if you're looking for (veggie) inspiration, enjoy!

Tomorrow is my interview.  I am going to do some reading, phone a friend, have a bath and go to bed. Fingers crossed xxx

New Year's Resolutions

This year I had two New Year's Resolutions.
They were:

1. Pass my course and go to university
2. Give up drinking alcohol in January.

The first is self-explanatory.
The second was a wild and crazy idea I came up with.  It was provoked by the usual pre/post-Christmas slip into drinking every day over the holidays.  I also thought it might help me sleep and/or concentrate better for my exams.

The last time I attempted to have a month off drinking was in March 2011.  That month, Carlos and I gave up all of the following:

• Meat
• Wheat
• Cheese
• Chocolate, crisps, etc.
• Alcohol

It was an interesting experiment, in retrospect.  Looking back over my old blog, I noticed with amusement that by the end of the month, I was describing it as 'the diet of cruel misery' and used the adjectives 'grim', 'boring', 'vile' and 'monstrous'.  Hmm.  Sounds like it wasn't that fun at the time...

We also cheated on the alcohol.  A few times.

I've discovered this time that it's a lot easier when you haven't given up all the other stuff as well.  Carlos only managed 17 days before he caved in, but I'm still going strong.  Only a few more days to go so I'm sure I'll do it, and it feels like quite an achievement.  Even when I was pregnant I drank a glass of wine each week.  This is probably the longest I've gone without drinking alcohol at all for fifteen years, maybe twenty.  Wow.

Anyway.  As the end of January approaches, I've come up with another resolution.  I'm going to attempt to do this for the whole of February.  Lucky it's a short month as it's going to be tough.  Carlos has promised to join me.  My new resolution is:

Give up moaning.

It's a toughie!  This means no bitching about my college tutors, no nagging, no being a misery because things aren't going my way.  I am still allowed to be pissed off, but I have to keep it to myself.   I think this is going to be extraordinarily difficult, but we shall see!

Course update

Sooo.... I haven't posted anything on here since the 15th November about my course.  Oh dear.

I re-read that post recently and thought, wow, so much has happened since then.  At the end I said:

I have another lab report, my UCAS personal statement to rewrite, some notes from yesterday to write up, some photos to print from yesterday's dissection and some reading to do for biology.  And if I have any spare time, I could do with getting some revision together.  It never ends!

That lab report was submitted months ago - I got a distinction.  I finished my UCAS personal statement and submitted it at the beginning of December.  That biology essay I mentioned - I got a distinction on that too.

I submitted another lab report and three microscope drawings for Biology before Christmas, they're still waiting for marking.  I also submitted a second Chemistry assignment.  I discovered within hours of handing it in that I'd made a mistake on my benzene ring mechanism and beat myself up for days.  When I got it back - the benzene ring was the ONLY error on the whole assignment.  Check that out:

After I got this assignment back, I suddenly started thinking, maybe I can do this after all.  

Over Christmas I revised for my exams.  I revised and revised and revised.  It's probably just as well I didn't post here, because I became the world's most boring bastard.  I wrote up a timetable and I stuck to it, revising on Christmas Eve at my father-in-law's, on Christmas Day at my parents, and at home all day on New Year's Eve, without the friends we've seen every NYE for a decade.

By the time I went back to college in January I was utterly sick of it, but I spent that week practicing past papers, revising my notecards and feeling sick with worry.  I was desperate to get distinctions but felt there was just so much to learn that it was impossible.  My memory isn't good and as I managed to remember one thing, I would forget another.  The Friday before my exams I burst into tears in chemistry because I was unable to define 'mass number' - possibly the simplest concept in GCSE Chemistry.  It was awful.

I kept going.  I revised my head off.  The final weekend, I revised for three days solid.  The night before the exam, I could do no more.  I went for a really long run in the mud and the pouring rain to tire myself out so I would sleep.  I packed my lunch, I ate salmon for dinner and I went to bed early.  I had done everything I could possibly do.  I reckon I spent 50 hours revising over Christmas and another 20 in that final week.

On the morning of my exam, as I came up the stairs at college I saw this poster:

And I thought, I am more prepared and I have worked harder than I ever have for any exam ever.  I've done more than anyone.  If I don't get distinctions now, it's because I am too stupid.

And then I sat my exams.  It was exhausting.  I had two Chemistry exams on Tuesday, then two Biology on Wednesday.  On Tuesday night I went home and revised Biology one last time.  On both days I went to the library in the break between exams and revised the second exam topics.

This week I got my results.  Here's Chemistry, my weaker subject:

I couldn't believe it.  I felt exhausted all over again as the relief coursed through my veins.  A distinction is 70%.  If I'd managed this in Chemistry, surely I would've done it in Biology.

On Friday I got my first Biology result.  I haven't seen my exam script yet but I got 87%.  The final exam hasn't been marked yet,  but I feel fairly confident it wasn't too much worse than the first one.

For the first time, I'm finally beginning to think, "I'm actually going to do this".

I have got interviews for two of my universities: one next week, and one in March.  I've had one rejection, and the last one I haven't heard from yet.  Apparently I'll be told by the end of March whether or not they are going to make me an offer.

It is like the job interview from hell.  If I don't get selected, the punishment is losing another year of my life, probably doing a shit job while I wait to re-apply, with no guarantee that anything is going to be any different.   In addition, they select based on your personality and whether they think you'll be a good dietitian, not based on your grades.  So if they don't choose me, what does that say?

These are thoughts running through my head at 3am.  But I just have to silence them and do the best I possibly can.  I've splashed out on a new outfit and a haircut and am busy preparing.  I need to research the questions they might ask and think of answers and memorise them.  I need to read up on what research takes place in the faculty, and on recent health-related items in the news.  I need to think of some questions to ask them.

So, as you can see, I've replaced "worrying I'm going to fail the course" with "worrying I'm going to get rejected from everywhere".  I suspect that even if I do get offers, I'll immediately start on, "worrying I won't get the grades to meet my conditional offers" - aaarrrggghhh!!!!  This course will be the death of me.

Comedy moment

Good morning!

Nobody reads this blog except A2, but I wanted to post this here because I nearly burst a lung laughing about it and if I don't put it here, it will be lost forever in the mists of time.

So, I have an ancient Flickr account.  I long ago stopped putting photos on there but there's a large collection still there and occasionally I get notifications when someone likes one of my photos or adds it to a group.

Yesterday, I got a notification that somebody had added this photo to their Favourites:

It's a picture of two identical pairs of my slippers - I'd bought one to replace the other and was so shocked at what a filthy state I'd let them get into that I'd posted the pic on Flickr.  This was back in 2004 when I really didn't have a lot on, I hasten to add :-)

Anyway - I saw this notification and thought nothing of it, but then I noticed that previously someone different had added the same picture to their Favourites.  And actually, so had someone else before that.... how weird.  Immediately suspicious, I clicked on the first one's profile and, as I suspected:  ALL their favourites were pictures of dirty slippers.  And some of them were being worn, by ladies in various states of undress...  Eeeewww.....

Then I noticed a comment on my slipper picture.  It said, "You should sell these on Ebay for $$$$".

Urgh!  I hastily deleted my photo and all of the comments.

Then I started wondering whether people really would Ebay their filthy slippers.  Surely not?  I mean, it's one thing knowing there are sexual deviants out there, it's completely another to be knowingly SERVICING THEIR NEEDS.  Surely Ebay have rules against that?

I found this.... a fine line between vile and hilarious.

I called Carlos to have a good shriek with laughter.  Obviously eBay do have some guidelines... hahaha!   Then I picked up my skanky slipper and started chasing Carlos around screeching, "SNIFF MY SLIPPER" before eventually giving it a tentative sniff myself.

With tears rolling down my cheeks, choking, I managed to mutter, "They smell of DOG!"
Can you imagine?  Surely that's two fetishes for the price of one?!

Needless to say, my slippers will not be going anywhere except the bin.  But it was worth it for the laughs!